This'll Be Quick

Have you ever felt as though you were living in a proverbial prison? I guess in many ways we all are but the funny thing is...we choose some of our prison cells. And even though we have the key to the door, we choose to stay within that cell because of the sense of security within, no matter how minute or nonexistent as well as foolish that security may seem.

Some of us will even go as far as appointing ourselves a warden because us being our own warden is not good enough. We deem ourselves unfit to police our own lives, therefore, incapable of taking on such a task as keeping ourselves in line, even if being out of line has never been a problem before. As a result of our feeling inadequate to ourselves, we choose someone else to be adequate enough for us. In doing so, giving that someone the power to dictate our comings and goings, watching our every move, inadvertently shaping our lives, from associations to attitude, right down to the very minute of each activity of everyday.

Some wardens we appoint are simply abusive to the umpteenth degree, others are just intimidating. Others still will control us in others ways...whether knowingly or not...manipulating their resources to grab hold of us or even strengthen the firm grip they already have. ...And we allow it... Why? For that false sense of security, maybe...or fear...or maybe we're simply gluttons for punishment. Everyone has their own reasons I suppose although not many of us know them right off hand. It's something that has to be pondered in order to be figured out.

What is the point of all this...where is this coming from? I couldn't tell you where it's coming from or the point. All I know is this is valid for most of us in many ways.

There are some cells we have no control over as far as our being in them or not. I mean not every aspect of our lives do we have complete control over...or any control for that matter. Life continues to prove that to all of us. But some things we can control and some cells we do choose making things harder on ourselves than it should or is meant to be. I say to us all...STOP IT...we are already prisoners, slaves to this system. Let's not lock ourselves up and be unnecessary prisoners of everything else within that system. Set Yourself Free. Be as free as you possibly can be. Demand your freedom. I know...easier said than done, right? But you must, for your sanity, as well as your happiness, depends on it.

~Sanity Is Within Reach...Grab It~

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Growing Pains

I'm gonna do my best not to look like a complete and utter fool and let my emotions take over on this one.  I just need to talk for a second...or many.

I'm frustrated...that's it, I'm just frustrated.  I am frustrated with everything, with nothing, with LIFE!  As I sit here and type this, I laugh.  I feel like I'm the punchline to a joke or something and everyone is in on it but me.  Idk.  I mean, Geez.La.Weez.  I swear to Moses, this shit is exhausting.

I'm trying, you know.  I really am.  I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying not to fall into a deep depression, trying not to have this anxiety that rides around in my chest.  Trying to give 110%.  I'm trying to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend...and good to me...and better than I used to be.

It's been said I'm stubborn.  *raises hand* I'll admit that, I am guilty as charged.  But I try not to be.  I try as best I can to be open minded and not so pig headed about thoughts, ideas, suggestions, advice.  I do try.  One thing I know I do to a fault, I will consider your thoughts always...but if I feel strongly about something pertaining to me...yea, ok, I hear you but I ain't listening type of thing.  Yea, I know it's shitty.  I'll give it a once over almost every time you tell me this thought or suggestion but if I feel it, whatever "IT" is, your suggestion becomes illogical to me, no matter how very logical it may be.

Why am I like this? *taps chin then shrugs*  Hell, if I know.  Blame it on the way I was raised, I know I do.  All that, my stubbornness and any other negative quality I've been doing for as long as I can remember.  I was also raised to be somewhat self destructive, too. *blinks* Okay, not somewhat, just self destructive, period.  Go figure.  So at some point I have to ask myself...Self...???...how do you know that by your following a feeling, your "GUT" so to speak, this is not just you showing self destructive behavior?  To answer this question, I implore you to open your ears to the commonly used phrase: I.Don't.Know.

Truth of the matter is this:  When I get feelings, gut feelings and I don't go along with them, I kick myself for it because initially that feeling, your first mind, was right.  But that's not to say these feelings don't keep me from making or have me making decisions with my life that can be potentially self destructive.  But I also know that, if I'm admitting to being self destructive, my nature of such usually comes when my back is up against the wall and I'm feeling rushed then I'm dealing with decisions on impulse.  Boy oh boy...never try this at home kids.  Impulse decisions suck.  But I'm sure you know this already.  Maybe not all of them but it's enough of them that you don't wanna do that...like ever.  Where was I going with this...?  Idk.

Anyway...sometimes I wonder if I'm being self destructive or if I am on the right path.  Sometimes I wonder why I even try at all because I seemingly keep reaching defeat.  THAT is beyond frustrating.  I can't stress that enough.  And every time I think I finally got it right, something goes terribly wrong.  And every time I think I'm finally about to get what I deserve, I get these bullshit circumstances.  I mean what the hell? What am I supposed to do because I swear to Moses I have no clue what so ever.

This growing up shit hurts.  I mean do I really need this much negative life experience before it becomes easier?  And what about all the good I thought I was doing.  I mean I can't even begin to count how many times I have placed my own troubles on the back burner to assist with someone else's.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe one of these days I could be fortunate enough to be so selfish that my own issues and burdens will take precedent over everyone else's.  Maybe it's the fact that I try so hard to save everyone else, not asking for anything in return or placing stipulations on one receiving my assistance, with no regard for myself and my life that things go the way they do.  Who knows...I most certainly don't, that's for sure.  But who am I kidding...I've always been like that and I'm always gonna be like that.  As helpful as I can be, doing what I can do when I can do it for whoever is in need, even when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my help is unappreciated.  It's what I do. And I'm good at it.  Or maybe I'm not and it's not me doing good at all but me doing it out of my own selfish gain...naw, that's not it at all, lol.

Seriously though...I just know I'm tired. I'm tired of simply treading water and putting on this strong face and keeping a level head and being everyone's rock and lifeline and swimming to save them and not having that for myself...not being that for myself...not doing that for myself.  Tired of just existing, biding my time waiting...waiting for what, I'm not sure.  Happiness for one thing...all the rest, Idk and I won't know til I know, you know, lol.  

Sheesh...I could sure go for a nice strong cocktail right now. 

~~*Sink or Swim...Swim or Sink*~~

A Conversation With God

Hey, Jehovah. How are You?  I wish I knew...or maybe I don't.  Or maybe I do but if You were to reveal it to me, I'd probably wish You hadn't...right?  Idk, lol.

As you know, I've been all over the place lately.  Stress through the roof...okay, so maybe not through the roof but the level is definitely high.  I'm just trying to be patient, You know.  Being patient when it comes to my livelihood is not really something I'm good at but then I don't have much of a choice.  Being still...Doing nothing...I feel like I'm doing nothing more so than I feel like I'm being still.  It's frustrating, just waiting.  You know what it is I want right?  I know You're all knowing, I was just wondering if I needed to speak it aloud.  I'll do that privately.  While I feel very much comfortable speaking to You out in the open now, some things are still just between me and You.

Talking to You in the open...remember when I struggled with that?  It wasn't that long ago, so I'm sure You do.  I used to have a hard time simply stating Your name aloud in front of different crowds.  But my being able to speak to You freely in such way with this new found courage makes me proud.  I'd rather it be this way.  I think I owe You this much in the very least...I mean I owe more but lets face it, I could never repay You for everything You are to and for me.  So, I'll just simply share my conversations with You with everyone and no one...who ever keeps track of this here blog.

I'm happy to say that lately, my mood has been better although my worry is pretty much the same if not more.  I'm still scared because I have no idea where I'm headed.  Where things seemed so clear to me before, they are now quite blurry.  Plus, I want to make sure I'm headed in the direction I'm supposed to be headed in...I kinda need Your help with that, a little guidance here and there to let me know You approve and this is right, if You don't mind.  I know You're a busy man, so I'll do my best not to utilize all Your time (an impossible feat considering You are infinite in all things) =).

You know, I didn't really have any specific reason for writing this...just to say hey I suppose.  But since I'm writing it I do want to say, I appreciate everything.  You have set my spirit at ease and have made it easy for me to approach You once again.  Yes, life is still hectic and I still need Your foot to connect with my backside every now and again to kick me back into gear and keep me on track and all that good stuff.  Yes, I'm asking if You would...it's needed.  But I know that if I continue to have faith and trust that powers that be, (You), things will work out...at least I'm hoping.  You may have something else in store for me, who knows but You.  I just know that, I want what I want and I want what's right for me, as well as what is meant for me...what I deserve.  Do I deserve nothing? I sure hope not but You would be the judge of that.

So...yea...that job?  You know the one...can You tell them to get a move on it! That's the one I want.  It's perfect for me (I was gonna wait to ask You about this but what for when I'm talking to You now).  Good schedule, good workout, decent enough money for me to get by and I would still be able to take my trip.  I'd say its a win for me all around.  If you could show me what it is I need to be doing so I can get that...like if I need to just continue to be still or if I need to harass some folk or something...yea...I'd appreciate that, lol.  That's the one I want.  Can You make it happen for me?  Thanks...

Uh...I think that's all I got.  Um, thank you...for listening...and thank you for everything again, You know, the calming of the spirit, the easing (for the most part) of my mind and just...just everything.  You are awesome to say the least. =)

It's been real.  And in your son's name I pray...
~~~*AMEN*~~~

Spiritual Contemplation

Have you ever sat down and actually looked at your life and questioned if this was where you were supposed to be?  Or if this is what you were supposed to be doing?  Have you ever prayed and wondered if God heard you or if the one answering your prayers is the one who torments you daily?  Does death terrify you?  Have you ever even stopped to ponder how what you're doing now effects your judgment later?

I have...everyday...especially lately.

I hope, constantly that Jah has not turned from me.  I feel very much protected, I have for many years but now I question if that protection I've felt over time is coming from the source I want it to come from as opposed to the opposite.  Maybe I should feel comforted by the fact that I'm having such a spiritual struggle...just by me going through this I can say that my conscience is still very much in tact and my heart has not hardened towards Jah...I just really pray that His heart has not hardened towards me either.

I thought I had more to say...but I'm so lost and my thoughts so jumbled...that I think I'll stop here for now.  I have something else I'm working on anyway...and maybe that will help put things in a better perspective.  Or maybe it won't...maybe it's just something that needs to be written because I've been hiding for so long...idk...I just know I need to finish it...and I will.  So until then...


~Sitting In The Sand...Waiting For Him To Carry Me If He Can~

Dear Jehovah...

I'm not sure how to approach You because...I realize that I am well over due for a conversation with You.  Even as I write this, I wonder if I am still in Your favor and if You will even hear me, let alone listen.  I know everyone doesn't have Your ear, I hope I am not in that bunch.

I feel weird because I chose today to approach You and converse with You...not that today is any particularly special day, it's just that yesterday I was bawling my eyes out and that was when I thought to speak with You.  For that I am ashamed because too many times, so many people only speak to You when they need You, never just to say hello or thank you or whatever other casual conversation one can have with The Almighty.  But Jah, I know not what else to do...I am at a loss.

Lately, I feel very much overwhelmed and quite honestly...I'm scared.  I'm scared that I haven't the strength to push forward any longer.  I'm scared I haven't the courage or the drive.  I'm scared I may be on the verge of giving up but I am also scared of failure.  Most of all...I am scared of Death and that haunts my dreams and thoughts regularly.  I am scared because I feel like I am rapidly approaching my end.  I'm not sure why I feel like this but I do.  Maybe because I'm supposed to be doing something else other than what I'm doing.  Maybe because I sense a coming, THE coming.  Maybe because I fear that I no longer have a place in Your heart.  It's probably, all of the above.

I don't know where I'm headed anymore, where I should be going.  I have no idea what my purpose is and quite frankly Father, I'm not even sure that I have one.  I know that we hold the keys to our own destinies, nothing is pre-written in our lives.  We walk and create our own paths.  I'm just not sure what I want my destiny to be, not sure what path I'm supposed to be on, what to believe or who to believe in.  I'm not even sure I can believe in myself anymore.  I feel so...useless...to myself.  And if I am useless to myself, then how can I expect to continue to be useful to others.  I mean, You blessed me with this charisma and this magnetism and this gift to pick up others and save them...I'm good at it...but I'm no good at doing the same for myself every time it's needed.  I'm not even sure I know how.  Plus, I'm tired, Jehovah...I'm really, REALLY tired.

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to approach the rest of my life, however long "the rest" may be?  I don't know...I just don't.  I know that I just want to sit and wait sometimes to see what happens but I know that waiting will get me nowhere except stagnate and stationary.  I feel like I must keep doing but again...do what?  Because while good things come to those who wait, You don't help those who do not help themselves, You look after them but opportunity only knocks for those who work towards it right?  So what am I supposed to be working on?  What am I supposed to be doing?  What is my purpose?  I have so many questions...but maybe I will start with these....

Dear Jehovah...if You could be so kind to point me in the right direction, I would truly appreciate it.  I need to find my strength again, my courage, my drive...would You help me on my way, for I am at a GREAT loss right now.  To have fear is one thing but to allow it to hold me and keep me simply does not sit well with me because if I know nothing else, I know that I was not meant to sit still and be paralyzed by fear.  I know and have never doubted that You have kept me safe to a degree.  A lot of what I have suffered is due to my trying to direct my own foot steps, making stupid, hasty decisions and not looking to You for answers.  (I feel like in my saying this, I'm trying to sweet talk and swindle You but this is truly how I feel.)  There are many things that I want and need in order for life to be a little more comfortable for me...so that I am not stressed as I am right now.  But what I need most at this very moment, is an overwhelming settling...Peace...of my heart, mind and spirit.  Peace...strength....courage...and most of all, guidance because I just simply don't know anything anymore.

Please, Dear Jah...I need Your help and Your love....I need You to carry me through this because I'm not capable of carrying myself at the moment.  Please...I am begging You.  I hope that You hear me as I come to You as humbly as I know how...

In Your son's name I pray....
Amen

Oh and P.S. Father...Never mind...I'm sure You hear my panicky thoughts.  Til next time....

September 11th

As I sit and write this, I am debating with myself on if I should even post it.  I have so many thoughts concerning the entire topic and none of them coincide with people's everyday beliefs that this cat over in Afghanistan, or wherever the hell he may be at the moment (probably eating at the table with Bush), did all this...coordinated an elaborate plan to hijack planes and take down several buildings all over the country while this country's defense systems simultaneously FAILED because they just so HAPPENED to be running exercises of this EXACT nature and couldn't tell the real from the drills.  All very coincidental.

Conspiracy theorist???  Not by far, I'm interested in truth.  I am interested in justice for family and friends now lost.  Five thousand people...gone.  This is how much your government loves you and cares...they'll KILL you to invoke a war that costs YOU billions of dollars and puts plenty of greenbacks in their own pockets and helps them to exact revenge on someone that started a fight a long time ago with someone else.  This someone (Saddam Hussein) had no real beef  but, fueled by thirst for power, control and "gettin yer ass back for daddy" and we're at war with Iraq.  [-_-] Wait a minute...how the hell?  Where they do THAT at!  Right here in good ol' U.S. of  A.  (Isn't it funny how they found Saddam in a damn hole but can't find Bin Laden???  That in itself should've raised thousands of questions for you.)

Bush did nothing...excuse me...yes he did...he went on vacation, just like he did during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  But no one was outraged then.  Seats change, he's out of office and now folks want to place blame, point fingers and shout unintelligible things and obscenities toward the wrong one...so judgmental...and what's funnier is the one's that helped to cover it up...CIA, FBI, etc...no one says anything about the tapes destroyed of that day, the communications gone, just erased from record  They even told your asses through the media, WE PLAYED YOU AND GOT RID OF THE EVIDENCE OF SUCH and still you point fingers at everyone else but the damn culprits.

Oklahoma City Bombing...was a set up, a controlled demolition.  September 11th was no different.  The people on the streets at ground zero gave the media clues to such as they were trying to evacuate the area reporting several little explosions on consecutive floors AFTER the plane hit ABOVE them.  By the way, flight 93...touched down at a military base.  There are satellite images showing people being let off of that plane by the boat loads before it went back up into the air and supposedly crashed in the middle of a got damn field.  And you know what else...they were all able to make phone calls on their cell phones while thirty some thousand feet in the air...have you tried that since then?  I got a global phone and I still can't make phone calls in the air...I can't even send text messages.  I'm just saying.

September 11th is one of the biggest tragedies as well as government farces of this country.  It pains me that we are so expendable.  Kill by the thousands to obtain the one.  Incite fear, the people will back you with WHATEVER decision is made.  Families and friends still mourn and still there is no justice.  A monumental building was supposed to be erected in honor of those lost but still the ground goes unbroken.  Those lost have been forgotten by the very ones that are supposed to seek repentance of such atrocities as this was.  Even you, the people, have forgotten and go about your lives as though this never occurred.  It only matters when making comparisons to this or that tragedy or when trying to express complete and utter outrage for everything else...this just kind falls into the pile.

America is a joke...this government is a joke...this society is a joke.  Don't believe me?  I know, that's why I'm laughing at you.

A Shame It Is...

After review of my last few entries...I've noticed that I'm a bit depressing...at least when it comes to the issue of "Love".  Lol...it's really quite comical the emotions that come through when I'm frustrated...the tone...the attitude...the depressing ass statements. *smh*  I mean it's not comical at the time but it most certainly is right now...and it's just a damn shame.

You know...while "Love" does frustrate me, my bout with it is not always one of defeat.  "Love" has produced extraordinary times for me that I wouldn't trade for the world.  It gives nothing different from what it gives everyone else, good and bad. 

Nothing is ever easy, "Love" included.  So while any and everything I write is the truest form of me and I mean everything written, especially at the time I wrote it...please disregard as emotional banter because it's not just "Love" that gets me but its accomplice "Life" that has me so overwhelmed and produces such emotion concerning "Love" when I desperately need comfort and am not receiving.  These entries are me throwing toddler like fits and having emotional & mental temper tantrums.

So, please excuse me...*smdh* A damn shame it is...quite comical but a shame nonetheless.



~Tickled With Self~

Another Love Entry

I'm no good at expressing myself...expressing feelings...it's why I write...because for some reason, writing gives me the freedom to speak what I'm feeling no holds barred.  I'm not worried about who will read it, not worried about whose feelings will be hurt because my writing has nothing to do with anyone and everything to do with me...my therapy...my emotions...my feelings...my peace of mind and trying to obtain it.

I don't really blog...I mean I used to a lot but I don't now.  I do journal entries.  Even the name of this blog has everything to do with it being an extension of my journal.  Onyx...who I have sitting open in front of me right now...I started an entry in her yesterday but couldn't finish it.  I was on the phone and couldn't see past my tears.  This is something different...sort of.

Love...

Seems like I'm always writing about Love.  I don't know what to make of it.  Seems like there's always so much sacrificing for it...and for some reason I always feel like I end up with the short end of the stick.  I love Love...but Love doesn't love me.  That is my conclusion...I've never cried so much in my life as I do when Love is involved.  Love has this funny way of kicking my ass and then kicking me when I'm down, no matter what I do...I give up this, stop doing that, suppress that and do all this...and yet, Love just keeps spitting in my face, which flipping sucks because if I'm being honest, I really do want this...I'm just tired of what it seems to be costing me.  I know this will be read and the question will be asked, "What is it costing you?" or "You don't think I've sacrificed, that this is costing me as well?"  *shrugs*  Whatever...this is about me...and maybe this shit is all in my head, idk...lord knows the idea has been presented to me once or twice...or a billion times...before.  Maybe it is...guess I'll never really truly know the answer to that.

While having a separate phone conversation from the one that had me crying while writing in Onyx, I expressed that I sometimes wished that I never met my ex, "Gem" because if it weren't for her, I would be able to love blindly, ignore the negative because all I was concerned with would be pure unadulterated happiness. <<< Paraphrased >>> I'm the type that will respect your privacy, whether I have a feeling or not because once you go looking for something, you always find it.  Once found, trust dwindles and it makes it damn near impossible for happiness to ensue.  "Gem" was my first love...pure love...unadulterated happiness because I chose to ignore my gut and give her the benefit of the doubt...and even with the fights and arguments we had, my doing that filled that relationship with happiness and good times that I wouldn't trade for the world.  But it also got me a world of hurt in the end.  It's because of this...that blindness I loved her with and the hurt and astronomical pain experienced behind it that I will never love blindly ever again.  One will never receive the benefit of the doubt from me again because, as this was once stated to me, doubt has no benefit.

What frustrated me during this conversation is that this was not met with understanding...it was met with,

"You're not the only one who has experienced pain, not the only who has put up with shit and put up with shit just for the sake of love.  You're not the only one who has loved blindly.  I've done that shit time and time again...so I don't wanna hear shit about, "Gem".

Imagine my frustration in hearing that...because in all honesty...I really don't give two fifths of a flying fuck who experienced what and if I'm the only one or not.  I'm me...and I only know what I've experienced and how it affected me and the way I feel about things.  I don't give a shit about anyone else because I'm not them and everyone handles things differently, everyone experiences things differently...and I was head over heals, write our names in the sky, pages and pages of poetry dedicated to you, tattoo your name on my ass in love with this girl...young love...first love...the type you only experience once love...I saw a future with her which is more than I can say for most...I saw us having children and living a life of forever and a day happiness with the necessary rough times.  I saw everything that mattered...with her...I cut people off...for her...feuded with family...for her...because I loved her...was in love with her, truly and unconditionally, no matter what we endured or what I endured because of her.  So fuck me for being pissed off that I was not heard and what was heard instead was...I'm making one pay for another's mistakes...I guess...but what I said was totally missed because one thinks they know what I felt and what I'm feeling...right?  Idk...

I know I'm frustrated as all hell...and you know what....fuck it....I don't want to write about this anymore...tired of shedding tears because I seek understanding of everyone and no one seems to seek the same of me.  I'll just continue to suppress things...parts of me, parts of emotions, parts of thoughts...who the heck cares...no one's gonna flipping get it anyway.  Just seems easier that way...that way, no one gets hurt or angry or frustrated but me...and no one will be the wiser, that is, until I freaking implode. FTW & FML

~An Abstraction Trying To Be Understood~

Fish Oil

I am your drug
Place me on the tip of your tongue
And taste the purity of my essence
100% grade A shit
Guaranteed to stimulate your mind
And get your mood stabilized
Intoxicating sobriety

I am your addiction
Seeping through the skin of your fingertips
Infecting your blood stream
Feel Me
As I digest your T cells
Become apart of you
And fight in your honor, the sickness of reality

Ingest me
I was made for you
I erase the dry ass fallacies of life
And provide you with healthy notions
Equip you with cancer fighting agents
And force your heart valves open
Lowering your blood pressure

There is some risk involved
But there always is when it comes to love affairs
Those had between the drug and the addict
Difference in this though, there's no overdosing
No clouds of smoke fogging your mental
No dipsomania and the crapulence as a result
And best of all, no instability caused by shakes of withdrawals

Overall...I am good for you

Take me in small doses
Allow me to ease your mind
Silence your inner haints
Shoe away dementia
And hold on to your consciousness
While placing myself on your lips
Creating, & never letting go of, new memories

And if you decide the dosage should be greater
Increase your intake of me
And I will ride the streams in your veins to your heart
Pumping me through and through, always returning here
This will be my resting place
Until you are laid to rest in your final place
Cause of death being: Stroked Out On Me

Fish Oil

Back Home

Touch down
Easy landing
Rolling down the tarmac
Walking through the terminal

Back Home

Homie meets me
Baggage claim
Two duffel bags
Long stay

Get in the ride
After hugs and hi's
I have a demand
She's got the supply

Want to puff
Laughs...Do I want to breathe
Fire it up
Stress Relief

Back Home

Sitting out front
On the edge of being drunk
Officer drives by
"Have you seen this guy?"

Confer amongst ourselves
Then shakes heads, not around here
Officer drives off
I..turn & blow smoke in the air

Hats surrounding the blocks
Blocking streets off
Its a chase at high speeds
Sirens blazing & I got a front seat

Back Home

Stepped out for a smoke
Nigga looking like he strung out on dope
Walking towards me suspiciously
I...watch intently
Looking up then down the street
He turns slightly, I spot his piece

Black Suburban rolling
Gun in waste band
Ran & pulled...hiding
Can either be hunted or hunting
Need that steel for protection
He's the prey

Back Home

Flicked...
Been here four damn days
Already lights flashing in the rear view

Roll down the windows
Light up a cigarette,
Got to disguise that scent

I'm good but one of us is going in
Fuck the police
You're welcome

Welcome back
Back home

A Dream...

I went to sleep completely exhausted last night...or this morning rather...with a pounding heading and tension in my shoulders.  Yesterday, as most days have been since I've been home, was an interesting day...not necessarily in a bad way, just...interesting...but the most interesting was this dream I had that was very detailed and lasted most of the time I was sleep.

Now...it's been a couple hours but I'll try to recall as much of the dream as I possibly can.

Anyone who knows me knows of a long term relationship I had with...let's call her...Gem. I went through a lot with her and she caused great stress and pain in my life but I was weak for her to say the least.  This dream...factored around her.

From what I can remember I was staying with my grandparents who had this extravagant home with a loft and a nice size fireplace, cherry wood beams with stone walls and this HUGE picture window facing the backyard, sliding doors leading out onto a deck, beautiful green grass, shed and two dog houses for my babies, Lala & Tyson (who I no longer have and haven't had for a little while now).  My description isn't doing the house any justice at all for the picture left in my head.

I receive a phone call...it's Gem...I haven't heard from her in a couple years but she calls me up crying.  Naturally I go running to her rescue.  I go pick her up, ask no questions as to what happened and why she called me and I take her back home with me.

She's got bags galore and I'm helping her carry them into the house upstairs to my room in the loft. Room was decked out, too, btw, lol.  My granny is watching me do this, just shaking her head, probably asking the question I was asking myself as I watched this fiasco...how could you be so damn stupid?!

We get upstairs and I make sure she feels at home...we lay down together in my platform bed with cream colored sheets and down comforter.  I hold her, just like I used to and we fall asleep, her in my arms.  When we wake, things start off good...for like all of ten minutes, then she starts flipping out for no reason what so ever and we just get to arguing just like old times, then...

Change scenes...my grandparents are downstairs...they hear the commotion...Pop is sipping on his coffee...Granny is sitting with her arms folded, looking up at the ceiling...shaking her head.  Pop says, "We better go up there before she kills that girl."  Granny says, "Ion know why she went and got her in the first place. Now if you ask me, Gem need her ass beat."

Back to our programming...Gem is in my closet, then at the dresser, then back to the closet.  She's getting dressed, white hoodie, dark blue jeans, white sneaks, hair pulled back into a ponytail.  I'm trying to talk to her but she's hysterical, moving here and there, stuffing clothes into MY black leather book bag talking about how we should just leave together and start over.  I'm trying to respond but she's not listening and the more I try the more hysterical she gets because what I'm saying is not what she wants to hear.  Now we're both screaming at the top of our lungs.  I'm telling her if she leaves, she's going by herself and she FLIPS and somehow ends up on top of me on the bed trying to choke me out...

Blacked Out...

Next scene, we're on the floor at the foot of the bed. We're tussling when my grandparents come in, my pop raising his voice, which he never does, so that I could hear him above our own screams tell me to get off of her.  My granny sits at the desk in my room by a huge window, gorgeous view, beautiful day outside (sorry, this is just very vivid in my mind). Granny says *Pop's Name Here* Let em fight! They need to get this out. Pop gets to fussing and she tells him to shut up and sit down. He obliges her.  The fight continues...

I rolled over on top of Gem, sitting on her chest with my knees pinning her arms.  I had every intention on beating the shit out of her.  But instead of banging her head on the floor like I was trying to will myself to do in the dream as I watched...I simply proceeded to slap her...repeatedly.

Pop grew nervous as my hands took turns slapping her across her face, each connection a transfer of pain and frustration from myself out into...wherever.  He said calls Granny's name...she holds up her hand.  He turns to me and says stop it and proceeds to grab me, Granny stops him, he sits back down.

I didn't cry, I wasn't yelling & screaming anymore, I wasn't cursing and swearing.  I was completely silent...and so was she...which is probably why Pop was nervous.  She probably looked dead to him.

No matter how many times I hit her, she never cried out in pain, her face didn't develop any bruising or swelling...I just continued to feel better...with each connection.  I slapped her for what seemed like hours...hands probably should have been raw or numb or maybe even both but naturally given that it was a dream, they weren't.

Now, I don't remember counting how many times I hit her while doing so...but suddenly...I stopped...one of my hands still in the air...chest heaving...and I saw her for the first time since all this started...she was squeezing her eyes shut...no bruising, no swelling, no blood, no tears.  I dropped my hand...thinking...I just hit her 104,361 times...104,361 times...One Hundred Four Thousand, Three Hundred Sixty One Times...  I have no idea the significance of this number but its what was there in my mind...its very random but but also quite specific.

I stood...she stood, slowly...even though there was nothing there on her face and I had hit her on both sides damn near equally, she cradled the left side of her face...I imagine because I am right handed.  She looked at me and I looked at her...the thought of her going to tell her sisters what I did and her sisters coming for me ran past the forefront of my mind and I mentally prepared myself for it, already devising a plan to take them all.  She turned...picked up the book bag and said, I'm sorry I came.  I said I'm sorry you did, too...when you leave...make sure you take Tyson with you.  She turned and looked at me again, THIS TIME, with tears in her eyes as though out of everything that had just gone on, THIS, my telling her to take the dog I got for her, hurt her the most.  She nodded, still cradling the left side of her face and disappeared out my bedroom doorway, leaving me standing there with no words, my grandparents sitting behind me.

Then I woke up...

Seems like this dream holds some type of meaning...or something...I don't think this dream was for naught...has to be my subconscious telling me something...and I feel like it's positive whatever it is...or maybe it was just a dream and I'm looking too much into it...

You know...I could sure use one of Jah's interpreter's guided by his holy spirit of the olden days to come and help me out with this...or at least say...FOOL! That dream don't mean jack! Lol...*shrugs*...Ion een know...*smh*...

Maybe....

Sitting here in silence trying to figure out this thing called love.  It's so flipping confusing.  I seriously don't know what to make of it...and I'm starting to wonder if it's meant for me.

I'm tired of love hurting me, tired of it making me cry, just tired of love period.  It's like...wtf is the point.  I thought love was supposed to make you happy, supposed to make life more joyous.  Well when the hell is that coming for me.  I'm so lonely...but at the same time with my track record, I'm just going to end up alone anyway because all those I end up with I make unhappy...in one way or another...I'm doing something wrong to hurt them, whether intentional or not...or vice versa.

And I'm ALWAYS compromising myself just so that they can be happy.  The moment I'm not, I find grief all over again.  I feel like the only way anyone can be happy with me is if I change who I am, what makes me, me, and be exactly what they want me to be.  I feel like I have to give up some part of myself...stop talking to everyone around me, become a hermit and unhappy with my life and self, then they will be happy.

I just wish that people would understand that I am not them...I do not conduct myself as such and the last time I did such things it was completely for naught and left me totally miserable during and after the fact which is why I refuse to let go of who I am and what I do now.  I don't give a f*** about who you talk to or may or may not flirt with because I am secure in myself...but everyone is not like me.  And I can't expect them to be but they cannot expect that of me either.

Love expects so much from me...never promising and actually delivering anything in return.  It's just so f***ing selfish and draining.  Yea...I'm seriously starting to think...maybe...love is not for me...because love...u suck.

A Bottle, A Blunt & A Bullet

Bought a bottle of liquor
With the intent to turn it up til it was empty
Was going to make that bottle mimic the inside of me
Going to...turn it up til it was null & void
Because I needed to be numb for this

Searching for the bottom with each drink
Because I had hit rock bottom
Draining it of its liquid that would give me strength
Because my strength had been drained
Leaving nothing behind
Because behind I was left

I looked in the bottom of that bottle for answers
Answers to the questions the world provided
But was only greeted with clear fluidic realization
There are no answers to be had

So I just drowned my troubles in waves of vodka
Barely keeping my head above the surface
Not fighting to float or even caring to tread, instead
I scribbled a ransom note with my incapable hands
Stating my list of demands...

From life...
The trade off...
MY life

Rolled up a stogy
So I could smoke & remember the old me
And what it was like to fly again
...I missed flying...
Missed that untouchable feeling
That feel that even when civilization collapsed all around you
Soaring so high, seemed there was no way YOUR life would come to ruin

I...let my affected judgment effect me
Allowed it to lead
Even though it was compromised
By this liquor & this weed
I picked up a bullet & my gun
Feeling the coldness of the steel in my hands
Just as cold as reality was towards me

Looking...
I'm not ready yet
Set it down

If I'm not ready now
Nothing to do but to continue to drown
While simultaneously flying
No one knows my troubles
My own mother couldn't even recognize I was dying
And now dead

A troubled inner child
And a guarded adult
Fort Knox didn't even compare
When it came to my locking down the way I felt
But now I'm as open as a hookers legs
Figured since I'm going out,
I'd expose my soul
Like an exhibitionist publicly exposes their genitals

This is my final letter to you
To Whom It May Concern
I hope you can understand what I was going through
In this world alone
With no place to call home
Mother doesn't love me
Grew up on my own
Steadily asking this question
Where did I go wrong?

You don't understand me?
It's cool, no one does
I guess I have no one to blame but me
For always priding myself on being an enigma
That algebraic equation filled with too many variables to solve for

I.Am.Tired

Tired of fighting against the currents
And being pounded by these waves
Tired of climbing these mountains
Never getting any closer to its peaks
Tired of breathing & pushing forward
For it has become such a chore
Tired of just existing
When the world seems to want nothing but for me to cease

I can think of no other reason I keep being tested
Never to prevail
Only made to continue to endure
Well...I can't do this anymore

I'm done...

Picked up that bullet
With my blunt between my lips
Loaded up my gun
Took one last sip
Placed that barrel to my temple
Slowly pulling the trigger

*Click, click*


~Living To Write...Writing to Live~

A Motherless Child

*Sings*
Sometimes I Feel
Like a motherless child

Because even though the one which birthed me
Is still one that lives amongst the living
My mother is not a mother to me

Some sing this song because it is relevant
SOMETIMES

But this song is a melody I breathe
One which pumps through my veins
And my pulse pounds along with its harmony
The lyrics reverberate off my vocal cords
Like the slightest sound bounces off the walls of an empty room

A motherless child

A mother I seek in my mother
But one cannot be found
Not in the case of me
Left alone & lost
Wishing I felt love from you
That so many feel & see
But is not received by me

What did I do wrong

Every time I think we're getting along
Seems as though the slightest thing sets you off
Treating me like a redheaded step child

Or something much worse

Treating me as though I were shingles
Or maybe the mumps
Never concerned about my well being
Just always get in touch for something that you want

But...

As soon as it stops being about you
I get the silent treatment

Because your feelings are hurt

Are you kidding me?
YOUR feelings...?
That's rich

What about my feelings?
What about the damage done to me?
What about that which you refuse to acknowledge?

Forgotten are the punches to the chest
Fists that connected & snatched my breath away
But never opened up to catch me as I collapsed

Yet I love you

Forgotten are the head slams into the cabinets
Doors that never gave way even in the slightest
To ease the collision & soften the pain

Yet I respect you

Forgotten are the strangles
That which held my life at your fingertips
Fingers that only released my throat when I was within inches of

Yet I seek your approval

Punishments that seemed to last for whole lifetimes
Because their length were years instead of weeks
Freedom & a carefree childhood snatched from me

Still I was & still am everything you needed & need me to be

Including:

A mother
With no reason to be mothering
Except, that's what was expected of me
To be everything to your children, my siblings
That you never were to me

But what concerns you
Are your hurt feelings
And suddenly thinking as though
There is hatred felt toward the one
Who gave me life

Once again making THIS...about you

But what you fail to understand
Is I'm bigger than you
I always have been
And maybe that's why you resent me the way you do
Speaking chicanery & deceit
Stating you love me
But your actions are contradictory

You bringing me into this world
Does not give you a free pass
To state that which makes sense & should be
But is not prevalent in how you treat me

Your love is not displayed
Just because you accidentally conceived
Then decided to full term carry & keep

Affection is not your first born taking a back seat
Love is not everyone else getting placed in front of me
While I am left to simmer on the back burner
Cooking & seasoning seeping through & through without the help of you
Except for the occasional spoon being banged up against my pot

I have no energy to give toward hatred
I leave that to you
You seem to be quite good at it
It's bad enough I grew up a child with the blues
Left to fend for myself
And offered no consoling from you

Were you any other person I would have choice words
But I can't bring myself to disrespect the one responsible for my existence
So I'll just say this

Although you figure me to be disloyal
A Judas Iscariot as you once called me
I am more loyal to you than you've ever recognized me to be
If you consider me anything,
Refer to me as THE prodigy

I've excelled regardless of that which you as well as the world has thrown at me
I mean, I sweat excellence
Why else do you think I am perceived as awesome
And of unlimited love am deserving & receiving
It's just not from you, this love, that I am getting

One day you will recognize that I've always been WITH you, not against
But until that day comes
Know that I love you dearly regardless of anything
I just have to keep my distance
Can no longer allow you to create anymore friction
And be what is, to me, a great resistance

Still coping with
But my sanity depends on
The dealing & acceptance of my being

Motherless

Morning Reflection

(Written June 15, 2010)

You ever wake up deep in thought?  That's where I am today. I woke up thinking...the more things change, the more I stay the same...in a sense. I've realized that, while my thought process matures, it by no means has veared off the normal course. In its development, it is and always will be on this path. Even in my changing, it remains logical and rational just as it always has been.  It is the heart that usually throws me...the heart that is irrational...and that's ok because one balances the other. The problem is...allowin my heart to lead me and make the decisions in my life which is why it seems plausible when those I allow to get close to me make ME feel crazy or irrational...like Ive completely lost it. *smh*

It's been said in many ways: if you find, while banging your head up against the wall, it begins to hurt, then stop; If your tired of going through the same thing over and over again...then do something different. It's as simply complicated as that. I've stated before that I was tired of banging my head up against the wall because it was starting to hurt...yet...here I am still banging it. My mind has come to this conclusion many times but I keep foolishly listening to my heart. Why do I say that...hm...because as I change for the better, there are constants in my life that I keep allowing to be...just in different forms...THEY are my wall.  So I figure...remove the wall...the banging stops...the healing begins. Sounds simple enough...but complicated nonetheless.

Heh, now that's a thought process. *nodding* Now you can read this rant and take this however you want, makes no never mind to me, it just is and matters not...not to anyone but myself. Just needed to "speak it out loud" I guess. Seems to make more sense that way.


*Conscious*

Random Thought

(Written June 15, 2010)

I feel like I'm supposed to live in a box & conform to rules that are, not only not my own, but, in essence, don't even seem logical & therefore, are not acceptable to me. My thought process is not irrational & is not just mine...it just does not belong to you.  What do I mean? I am not the only one that thinks as I do.  I know I'm not crazy although sometimes that's how I feel...but I guess that's what happens when u try to cage one who is used to thinking & swimming freely in open waters. I am tired of revolving...no one ever got anywhere by running in circles & that's exactly what I seem to be doing.  I cannot fit into your perception of me...& my trying to conform to such will do nothing positive in the long run. I am what I am & what I will be. You either love it...or leave it alone.

Mathematically Speaking

(Written May 12, 2010)

Love is
One of the keys to happiness & depression
...Simultaneously...
Not really making sense, no Logic
Can't even be broken down Mathematically

It goes on Tangents
Speaking Logarithms & Formulas of,
To Solve for the Variable,
Me...that became we,
One that is now two
Divided by such & the Quotient
Is what I want to be,
Absolute & Totally

Being we,
Makes me
A Negative Integer
Even being placed with you Positively,
The Difference is still
Less Than Zero & I
Am but a Fraction of myself,
Multiplied by a broken heart & troubled mind

The Square Root of my soul is
Unintelligible, a small Decimal
I...just want to be Whole while
Standing alone because
Even Paired together as Binomials
You are not enough to Complete me

You could only be the Cosine to

I'm just trying to find the Right Angle to
Work this Problem out that
Some swear is the Solution to everything
...My Algorithm, if you will...
Want my mind to be Congruent with my heart because
Until such occurs...
There's no way we can be Equals...

Just for the simple fact that,
You don't understand my mental's genetic make
My Biology,
Which is another subject entirely
But to understand how I operate,
You must get that THIS is NOT rocket science
It's Physics, still dealing in Numerics
Which comes full circle to Mathematics
I am Geometrics & Proofs

...But clearly, Math is not one of your strong suits...

If it were
You could see why my Division from the world &
My NOT being Added to you
Is what's needed to
Figure out X, Y, & Z
In this Algebraic Equation that is me

But the only Terms you've come to accept is
I just want to be at Odds with you
Because the End Point of my rational Means
We can't be Coefficient
Leaving the Remainder of us as
You & I becoming Monomials

Never mind the fact that
I've Evaluated the Exponent of my pain &
It's ability to keep resurfacing again
Constant but ever changing...
As I search desperately to find Balance
And reach the Median of
This psyche, my Verse & Inverse

Pi is not me
I am far from Irrational
You just don't want we to, Finite, be
So this is what you accuse me of being
But understand & hear me as I raise my Volume

We can not be Reflections of each other
If I can't follow my mind's Locus
Graphing experience & Dependent Events
Factoring life's processes
While Translating me
Into the original Origin that was
Before I was Bisected &
Back when my Vertex was nonexistent
When I was Supplementary
And inside of, lied the Powers that could & would carry me
Infinitely...

That is...of course...speaking Mathematically

At the moment
You just don't understand

Food For Thought

(Written May 12, 2010)

I was riding in silence today
No radio playing
Just the sound of my thoughts
Reverberating in my ears,
My mental regurgitating events that
Were thought to have been digested & passed as waste

...because thats what they were...

A waste of time,
Energy and
Space

Tired of being force fed bull crap &
Being made to believe its a delectable meal
Tired of eating selfishness &
Being told its love

Well if this
...is love...
I'd rather starve

Rather go hungry &
Die of malnutrition,
Skinny & weak
With a little pot belly

Seems as though
No matter where I go to get food
...food for the heart,
Food for the soul...
It always ends up spoiled &
The place it came from with a low grade

Places need to be closed for business
Until everything is up to par because
While I never received four star meals here,
I refuse to eat where there are none

Thats how I got so sick the last time
Eating that which gave me no sustenance or value,
I got food poisoning that has me out of commission to this very day
I keep trying to eat whats healthy for me
But cant find that which is

Ones swear it's got to be me
...playing the victim...
Well I'm not gonna say what I want to
But I got two fingers for you,
If you catch my drift
You know what that means &
You know what you can do

And just in case you don't
Kick boulders,
Damn some rocks,
With no shoes.

I'm over it
Over this supposed love that
Keeps poisoning my thoughts & heart
I got the antidote though
It's me...and me alone

You can have this plate...
I'm getting up from the table.


*Living To Write...Writing to Live*

Depression

Wrapped in a blanket of darkness
Unable to see that which is around you
Only able to hear  indecipherable noises

That strike fear in your heart and
Doubt in your mind
Comforted by
Ceasing your existence
Suicide

The thought of
Running through your mental
Screaming, "DO IT!" as it passes by
"But I like living, breathing, experiencing," you proclaim
"Yeah, but this is easier.
"Hardest part is pulling the trigger.
"And instantly...no pain,"
It chides on again

Frustration hugs you
And tears wash away
Happy thoughts of yesterday
Anger kisses you and
Contempt settles into the arms of dismay

Deja vu of writing, thinking & feeling this once before sinks in
But not the memory of how you stopped this depression
And finally...came to grips and was content with be broken

Another Attempt to Let Go

Its amazing the things you think about while at work...the things, something so simple as dates, calls to mind.  I entered a date today, 6/15/2004...it was a good memory...at first...but then doubt overshadowed that and I found myself wondering if while you were away from me, were you sexing her...had you just been intimate with her before you came home and snuck in through the window to surprise me hollering about your birthday.  It was a good night that night...but when it was brought to mind for that brief moment, my heart hurt all over again thinking about the things I knew...and the things I didn't.


Today is May 7th...hadn't even really thought about it until I was going through what the day was in my head, tryna figure out about how much time I had left to pay my phone bill before it was ACTUALLY due...I like to pay stuff ahead of time...but you should've already known that.


If we were still together, today would've marked six years...six years of infidelity, abuse, heated arguments and fights...six years of misery.  You would've had a ring on your finger, an expensive ring, I would've been settling because it was the only thing that made sense at the time to do after being together for so long.


I guess I should thank you for saving me the trouble.......................................
Yea...that thanks is never coming......


No one REALLY TRULY knows just how much I was into you, how I was your moon, revolving around you.  Even with my being unhappy, you were still my world...you were everything that mad it turn.  Yes, some times things were bad and, lord knows, when things were bad, they were THE WORST but the good times were not so few and far between...they happened quite frequently...and the best times...they were my everything...YOU, were my everything.


When you left me, it hurt like hell...I hadn't contemplated suicide since my preteen years but I did those days following your departure...and definitely on those days I allowed you to lead me on...and especially after I found out so many truths.  If it weren't for Jess, I would've gladly pulled the trigger to end the pain, pain I'm still suffering from...had the means to...apparently just not the courage...or maybe I just had enough presence of mind to call her first...or both...*shrugs*...I don't know.  All I know is, after I found out everything...the lies you told, those you cheated on me with...the fact that everything I had known for four plus years wasn't real at all...I could've died a thousand deaths and it still wouldn't have been as painful...and it definitely wouldn't have lasted this long, that's for sure...would've been instant...a thousand times over.


I guess I should've know better...and truthfully speaking, I honestly did...a woman knows...especially a woman like me...but I was in love, stupid for you, dumbstruck for the fantasy realm, and I decided to turn a blind eye, ignore my gut & not invade your privacy to find out...whatever...because when you're looking for something, you always find it.


My relationship with you has affected me a great deal.  Love, for me, translates into pain...the thought of relationships gives me anxiety...commitment is absolutely terrifying.  I attribute my unhappiness within such to, "that's just the way relationships are supposed to be," and I find myself questioning everything said and even more so...untrusting of one's sincerity...of their supposed "love" for me...of their want to be with me, protect me, do for me...not trusting at all...I find myself...terribly guarded.  And even today...I believe in doing for myself...I believe that no one can make me happy but me because no one is capable of keeping their word, of doing what it is they SAY their hearts speak...


Someone said to me once that I needed to find balance because I was a loving person who either gave my all...or gave nothing at all.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell...I don't know how to do anything else.  If I'm giving my all, I am sacrificing my own happiness for my mate...its what I did with you, it's what I continue to do, even now.  It is 100% selfless...while the other is the exact opposite...100% selfish...but it never lasts long.  That constant struggle within my mind, to find some sort of balance which seems to be nonexistent...is torturous within itself...a self made prison with floors lined with tears & walls papered with constant irritation of one thing or another.  I sleep in a bed of frustration and look into the mirror to see...inadequacy...and I fear that's how I'll always be...with someone always in the wings waiting for me, hurrying me to get the fuck over it so that things can just be...I don't know.


You know...every time I think I'm finally done with you and this pain you caused, there always seems to be something that brings you back up again and makes my insides ache and my heart scream out in agony, be it dates, music, or whatever.  I've never wasted any of my time or energy on hating someone in all my life...I don't do so even now...I swear on everything I love and hold dear I wish I could hate you because maybe then it would be easier for me to get over this, be easier for me to let go...especially after the email I wrote you the other day...that was supposed to be my closure.  And yet...here I sit...writing this same blog all over again...trying my hand at...another attempt to let go...because how can I truly love another...if I don't.

Thought I Might Write You

(Written 9/19/2009...Background to Next Post)

I started this letter once already at 7:05am but my computer went down and I lost everything I wrote.  It's too bad, too because I was on a roll...you know our luck with computers.  Why so early? Shit, I don't know.  I didn't sleep last night.  No, it had nothing to do with you being on my mind because really you weren't...not until 7:05...just every now and again insomnia knocks at my door, let's herself in and gets comfortable.  Who am I to kick her out when no matter how much I kick and scream, she won't go anywhere anyway...it's a waste of my energy.  Sleep usually comes in the morning....if I'm lucky.


This morning, I sat on the couch listening to music and something played on my stereo that reminded me of you and what was...what was...  It wasn't that the song had any particular meaning to our relationship, only that we listened to the album together, it was in the Era of Rabbit and Peoples.  [Peoples...I don't call myself that anymore...I've evolved...and even though you're not "around", I feel like you're "around" enough to know that.  Pisses me off that you still have some sight to see my life although I have none to see yours.  Maybe that's a good thing.]


Reminiscing sucks...do you know that?  I try not to because all it does is awaken pain in me that I have to continue to push down and bury to go on with my life.  Yet and still I reminisce.  I usually think of the bad because that's more recent, that's what's new, that's what I feel but even if I don't start off on the bad, the good leads to it.  That's fucked up I know but cut me some slack.  You know as well as I do that it's not for nought...you played me, period, point, blank.


Sometimes, I wonder if it ever was as hard for you as it was for me...as it is for me.  I wonder if it was hard for you to walk away...then I remember that you walked away into the arms of another while making me believe that we still had a chance to be together.  Am I bitter...Hell Yeah...wouldn't you be...hell, you were bitter over the shit I did in the beginning, you know, the emails.  That shit was no where near as deep as this but it still hurt you and you were bitter and untrusting...[Untrusting...I'll come back to this].  I admit, I fucked up in the beginning, when I was new to this thing...this committed relationship thing...this love thing...this, same sex thing...I do not deny that.  When my worst fear was disappointing my family and I put a deadline on us, hoping to not be as into you as you were into me because I needed a way out.  Do you remember when we discussed that disappointment, that fear, for the first time?  Of course you do...it rang in your ears for years because we talked about it...you asked me if I still worried, if I still cared about that.  That all seems irrelevant now.


It's been one year and ten days since I wrote my last poem for you out of sheer love and desire; one year and five days since I gave up all hope in you ever coming back home; zero days since I've stopped loving you, because if I'm being honest with myself, I still love you...I'm just not in love with you.  I want to hate you, I want to let go.  I mean, you disgust me sure, but only occasionally when I'm at my lowest of lows...and I just can't seem to bring myself to hate you, even after everything you did.  If I saw you on the street today, I wouldn't even be able to be a bitch to you like I am in our encounters we have in my mind.  Why?...is the ever prevalent question...no answer ever ensues.  I guess that's love for your ass.


I still have our pictures...I can't bring myself to look at them though, although I can't bring myself to delete them either.  Those pictures are my good memories of you, of us, being kids in love with life and freedom as well as each other, seemingly untouchable except by one another.  Together, we were unstoppable.  People envied us, our young love, and they tried to tear us apart but through it all we endured.  In the end, we fell apart due to constant dissension within the ranks and that ultimately led to our downfall, my defenses weakening and you letting her in to eventually leave to move on to the next.


The first time noticed you faltering was not with her...but with no way to prove it and my own misdealings behind me, who was I to point the finger at you...and you made sure to remind me of that every chance you got.  However, I know the truth about you...I know the reasons behind you always being accusatory even before there was anything to accuse me of.  If we were having this conversation over the phone or face to face  you would deny it two hundred ten percent, as you have many times before.  That's why I decided to write a letter, because you can shake your head at the letter all you want but the letter doesn't care about what you say...it's stating its opinion boldly with no room for argument.  So your untrusting nature was way before I fucked up.  It was what it was because you were doing wrong all along.  And me...I trusted you blindly, opened my heart up to you and expressed that I was.in.love.  I would've laid down my life for you if I thought it would save yours and you took advantage.  Well played.


Humph...As I near the end of this letter that you will never read, I wonder, as I often do...was it ever as real to you as it was for me?  The love, the laughs, even the hardships?  If I could've promised you forever from the beginning, would you have been faithful to me?  If I was able to offer you more than my undying love on a platinum platter, would you have stayed?    I just wonder...


You know what hurts the most?  Not that you left, not your infidelity all those years, not even you accusing me of dropping that bomb on you when we both knew better.  What hurts the most is that I'll never know...I'll never know if you ever really wanted me as much as you said you did.  Yes it hurts that nearly five years was lost along with a near engagement [I had the perfect ring picked out for you], a planned family up in smoke and I had to start over with nothing while you had a new life mapped out and waiting for you...but never knowing if I could've saved myself the grief and the time and kept my love for another is what kills me.  Because of you...I shut the door on love, turned the dead bolt, locked the door knob, put on the chain, and barricaded the door shut, looking cautiously through the peep hole waiting for an intruder with a twelve gauge shot gun...and because of me, too...I let you in, I loved you blindly...and was completely ignorant to all that you did.  My ignorance was blissful...I'd give anything to have that back.


You are under my skin...you're like that itch that you can't scratch because its not on the surface...and the shit just won't go away.  Why won't you just go away???


One last thing...do you remember that day when you came to see me and we talked outside the house and you told me you were really sick?  Remember when you asked me what I would do if you told me you had made a terrible mistake and you wanted to back home?  Do you remember I told you that you had no home here with me anymore, no home to come back to and that your home was now with her?  To see the look in your eyes after I said that hurt SO MUCH!!!  It was the hardest thing I think I EVER had to do in my life...to not come to your rescue...to not grab you up and hold you and tell you that I missed you so much and all I wanted was for you to come home anyway.  That shit ate me up...it still does.  But I wonder if you said that just to see what I would say...I wonder if you ever really had any plans on leaving her to come back home if I would have said what it was you wanted to hear that night...I wonder.


I know one thing if I know nothing else...you do still think of me occasionally because every now and then I get a call from a random number, and we're still connected to the point that I know it's you when it's you...or I a random IM message, depending on my status...I just don't think you dwell on it like I do...but hey, I guess neither one of us really is supposed to...do me a favor though...and tell that to my heart...

This Is...

This is...
My pathetic attempt to write

To...Write...

Write something that consisted of more than 140 characters
Something that required deeper thought than what the hell I did today,
And am doing at this particular moment

But hell, if I'm being honest
Twitter even seems to be a chore

This is...
Me...begging, crying, pleading

I...need...help...

Nothing inspires me
Tired of writing about truths that are mistaken for conspiracies
You blind individuals that will continue believing

...bull crapeth...

Love is such a monotonous topic
Sex, I have run into the ground
And writes surrounding my anger...let's not even discuss it

And here's the thing...

Love isn't really monotonous
I mean, truth be told
I could probably think of a thousand different ways to write about "US"

...But for what...

So can everyone else who writes
Oooo, big deal!

And no one is concerned with my anger & frustration
Not at all interested in my tempers gestation

And sex...well, I really have run that into the ground

I just want to write about something entirely random
Like...why I think the sky is blue
Or why pink people are so damn nasty
Why things aren't as interesting as they used to be
And how all things surrounding negativity are alive & well

Makes no sense rite...write...

This is...
The very first blog on this page...

And this was...
My pathetic attempt to write