It was my every intention to freehand write earlier today but I was soon moved out of the mood to do so as soon as I got it in my mind to sit down and knock it out. Tonight, I decided to go a different route...one that was not of a poetic nature, just a thoughtful one.
I haven't been on the phone at all today. And I've locked myself up for the most part to sit in my loneliness and seclusion. Being lonely sucks but sometimes it is necessary.
Last night, I went back into my blog...back to the beginning. Even the last entry I wrote, which was some time ago, I read...it's depressing as hell! Reflective yes but very depressing...in my opinion anyway...and censored. I'm not looking to censor myself anymore, no matter what damage it may cause. To speak freely is to be free. Plus it makes my stress and anxiety that much closer to being none existent.
(Please excuse me, I'll be all over the place. Thanks)
Let's sit on that for a minute. I recently, recent as in a few months ago, made a decision that was for the greater good of myself. People...or a person rather...got hurt in the process. I am truly apologetic for that. Today, however, I've come to realize one of my many mistakes throughout life. I can not please everyone, hard as I might try. And even more important, I can't be everyone's everything while being nothing for myself. I hate to come off as some sort of saint or martyr because Lord knows I am neither. But the fact of the matter is, I have always been so concerned with everyone's feelings of me and their happiness, that I've often sat in a delusional misery to maintain their contentment, hiding my own unhappiness and therefore contributing to the illusion, the LIE, that everything is okay. No, this is not me playing the victim because this has all been self inflicted. If anything it makes me the culprit, the "Bad Guy", that much more because of the damage it has caused in the long run.
Truth of the matter is this: I don't do well doing and doing and doing and having nothing to show for it. I am a giver but I hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of. I also hate to have my feelings ignored, as do most. If I tell you this is what something is, don't tell me it's not and then try to make it out to seem like I'm losing it or crazy or something. That pisses me off and it's a good way to get me to shut the hell up completely. And don't get pissed off I tell you are...getting on my nerves. If you are, you are, get over it because I will. Shit happens, comes with the territory of relationships, be it associations, friends, etc.
I also hate when a person tells me all they've done for me and all they've sacrificed as leverage or to make me feel like shit for something or other as if I asked for any type of saving grace what so ever. Ion care who you are, family or otherwise, because odds are, I've done just as much, in some cases more, as you have. I am not a user or taker. If I can avoid getting help, I'll just as soon stress over how things will come together than take it. And I have no problem returning the favor, giving my all even when I don't have anything to give. I appreciate any bit of help given. It is not lost upon me that you may have gone through great lengths to give me whatever it was you think I needed...thanks. Now let's move on from it...because I swear to Moses, if I hear a mofo tell me one more time they did this, this and that, be it financial, emotional, or whatever, Ima flip out...*smh* And we'll just leave that right there.
On another note, I don't identify as gay because I don't like labels...but if you must label me I am not a lesbian, I am bisexual. I love women with every fiber of my being and have for years. I love men just the same. Get over it. I'm versatile...some look at me as a fem, others have called me a soft stud...in some circles I'm a down ass chick or a tomboy...what the fuck ever...I'm honestly just me. Take that wherever you want to.
Also to sit still is fine...to be busy is fine...but there must always be balance.
I was texting an old high school friend today. She's always been overly ambitious, which I think is great. But the girl does so damn much that she never just stops to smell the flowers...not from what I gather anyway.
She was speaking to me about how she has taken to practicing four instruments, one of which she is actually teaching herself how to play. She tutors and is actually in the process of drawing up a proposal to start her own tutoring facility. She just recently went out to Duke University, of which she is an alumni, graduated top of her class...I mean 4.o0 top of her class, AKA soror...to recreate this huge art exhibit she did one of the years she was there. She worked, from what she said, sometimes 16 hrs a day to complete it within the allotted time frame she was given. Aside from all this, she's writing two, or is it three, books, proof reading a huge manuscript written by one of her mentors, flying here and there for different engagements of many organizations like her sorority and the like and the list goes on and on.
When I made the comment that she does a lot, she responded life is short...agreed...But when I said she seems to never sit down and take in the beauty the world has to offer she said she was glad to miss 90% of the mess that existed. This immediately turned me off from the conversation...what about the other 10%?! U have to just sit still long enough to take it all in, the good AND the bad of life...just saying.
But on the other end of that...Ion want to be sitting up in the house, sitting damn still all the time either, while the world passes me by, because when it's all said and done, Ion want to have a long ass list of should of, could of, would of's. Those are exhausting and depressing. If Ion have the means to do so, that's one thing, but damn it, what is life if not to experience, take chances, LIVE!
*sighs* I digress....I say all this to say that while the system of things is truly screwed, it still offers beauty outside of the bullshit. Live life because it is short yes but take in all it has to offer...don't let it pass you by but don't take the little things for granted either. Balance. THIS is important as well.
I'm rambling, so I'll wrap this up...
I have been content with my life as of late. Happy with some things while others need improvement. But overall I am content. It's odd being over that quarter year hump, finally and finding myself slowly but surely. I am not ecstatic about the paths my life has taken, paths I've chosen that put my things on hold in order to make blossom the things of others, just to see them fail and allow a little piece of myself to die in the process. But whatever...what's done is done and every choice comes with its own lesson. Whether or not you choose to take heed...well that's entirely up to us as individuals.
This is what I know, I have been tired of not being number one in my own life. I am tired of changing to fit someone else, tired of thinking their happiness is more important than mine. Tired of shutting out individuals because of basics that were not mine but was what was going to keep peace. Tired of fucked up personalities and habits getting projected onto me...tired of believing those were my own. Tired of not living up to my potential...tired of just dreaming of doing and not doing. Tired of not living but existing. Tired of not being me. My new truth is, I matter and I am greater than others and myself have led me to believe. I own this truth and I take it and place myself first and foremost, within my life, above all...everything else and every other human being is secondary. I can't make everyone happy, only me. I can contribute to the cause but I can't make it happen. And I'll be damned if I ever lose sight of this now that I have it. I am me...forever changing while remaining the same. I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me. That's really all that matters.
Life is decent...it could be better but I mean a lot of people's lives could be better. I'm well taken care of an
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