Back Home

Touch down
Easy landing
Rolling down the tarmac
Walking through the terminal

Back Home

Homie meets me
Baggage claim
Two duffel bags
Long stay

Get in the ride
After hugs and hi's
I have a demand
She's got the supply

Want to puff
Laughs...Do I want to breathe
Fire it up
Stress Relief

Back Home

Sitting out front
On the edge of being drunk
Officer drives by
"Have you seen this guy?"

Confer amongst ourselves
Then shakes heads, not around here
Officer drives off
I..turn & blow smoke in the air

Hats surrounding the blocks
Blocking streets off
Its a chase at high speeds
Sirens blazing & I got a front seat

Back Home

Stepped out for a smoke
Nigga looking like he strung out on dope
Walking towards me suspiciously
I...watch intently
Looking up then down the street
He turns slightly, I spot his piece

Black Suburban rolling
Gun in waste band
Ran & pulled...hiding
Can either be hunted or hunting
Need that steel for protection
He's the prey

Back Home

Flicked...
Been here four damn days
Already lights flashing in the rear view

Roll down the windows
Light up a cigarette,
Got to disguise that scent

I'm good but one of us is going in
Fuck the police
You're welcome

Welcome back
Back home

A Dream...

I went to sleep completely exhausted last night...or this morning rather...with a pounding heading and tension in my shoulders.  Yesterday, as most days have been since I've been home, was an interesting day...not necessarily in a bad way, just...interesting...but the most interesting was this dream I had that was very detailed and lasted most of the time I was sleep.

Now...it's been a couple hours but I'll try to recall as much of the dream as I possibly can.

Anyone who knows me knows of a long term relationship I had with...let's call her...Gem. I went through a lot with her and she caused great stress and pain in my life but I was weak for her to say the least.  This dream...factored around her.

From what I can remember I was staying with my grandparents who had this extravagant home with a loft and a nice size fireplace, cherry wood beams with stone walls and this HUGE picture window facing the backyard, sliding doors leading out onto a deck, beautiful green grass, shed and two dog houses for my babies, Lala & Tyson (who I no longer have and haven't had for a little while now).  My description isn't doing the house any justice at all for the picture left in my head.

I receive a phone call...it's Gem...I haven't heard from her in a couple years but she calls me up crying.  Naturally I go running to her rescue.  I go pick her up, ask no questions as to what happened and why she called me and I take her back home with me.

She's got bags galore and I'm helping her carry them into the house upstairs to my room in the loft. Room was decked out, too, btw, lol.  My granny is watching me do this, just shaking her head, probably asking the question I was asking myself as I watched this fiasco...how could you be so damn stupid?!

We get upstairs and I make sure she feels at home...we lay down together in my platform bed with cream colored sheets and down comforter.  I hold her, just like I used to and we fall asleep, her in my arms.  When we wake, things start off good...for like all of ten minutes, then she starts flipping out for no reason what so ever and we just get to arguing just like old times, then...

Change scenes...my grandparents are downstairs...they hear the commotion...Pop is sipping on his coffee...Granny is sitting with her arms folded, looking up at the ceiling...shaking her head.  Pop says, "We better go up there before she kills that girl."  Granny says, "Ion know why she went and got her in the first place. Now if you ask me, Gem need her ass beat."

Back to our programming...Gem is in my closet, then at the dresser, then back to the closet.  She's getting dressed, white hoodie, dark blue jeans, white sneaks, hair pulled back into a ponytail.  I'm trying to talk to her but she's hysterical, moving here and there, stuffing clothes into MY black leather book bag talking about how we should just leave together and start over.  I'm trying to respond but she's not listening and the more I try the more hysterical she gets because what I'm saying is not what she wants to hear.  Now we're both screaming at the top of our lungs.  I'm telling her if she leaves, she's going by herself and she FLIPS and somehow ends up on top of me on the bed trying to choke me out...

Blacked Out...

Next scene, we're on the floor at the foot of the bed. We're tussling when my grandparents come in, my pop raising his voice, which he never does, so that I could hear him above our own screams tell me to get off of her.  My granny sits at the desk in my room by a huge window, gorgeous view, beautiful day outside (sorry, this is just very vivid in my mind). Granny says *Pop's Name Here* Let em fight! They need to get this out. Pop gets to fussing and she tells him to shut up and sit down. He obliges her.  The fight continues...

I rolled over on top of Gem, sitting on her chest with my knees pinning her arms.  I had every intention on beating the shit out of her.  But instead of banging her head on the floor like I was trying to will myself to do in the dream as I watched...I simply proceeded to slap her...repeatedly.

Pop grew nervous as my hands took turns slapping her across her face, each connection a transfer of pain and frustration from myself out into...wherever.  He said calls Granny's name...she holds up her hand.  He turns to me and says stop it and proceeds to grab me, Granny stops him, he sits back down.

I didn't cry, I wasn't yelling & screaming anymore, I wasn't cursing and swearing.  I was completely silent...and so was she...which is probably why Pop was nervous.  She probably looked dead to him.

No matter how many times I hit her, she never cried out in pain, her face didn't develop any bruising or swelling...I just continued to feel better...with each connection.  I slapped her for what seemed like hours...hands probably should have been raw or numb or maybe even both but naturally given that it was a dream, they weren't.

Now, I don't remember counting how many times I hit her while doing so...but suddenly...I stopped...one of my hands still in the air...chest heaving...and I saw her for the first time since all this started...she was squeezing her eyes shut...no bruising, no swelling, no blood, no tears.  I dropped my hand...thinking...I just hit her 104,361 times...104,361 times...One Hundred Four Thousand, Three Hundred Sixty One Times...  I have no idea the significance of this number but its what was there in my mind...its very random but but also quite specific.

I stood...she stood, slowly...even though there was nothing there on her face and I had hit her on both sides damn near equally, she cradled the left side of her face...I imagine because I am right handed.  She looked at me and I looked at her...the thought of her going to tell her sisters what I did and her sisters coming for me ran past the forefront of my mind and I mentally prepared myself for it, already devising a plan to take them all.  She turned...picked up the book bag and said, I'm sorry I came.  I said I'm sorry you did, too...when you leave...make sure you take Tyson with you.  She turned and looked at me again, THIS TIME, with tears in her eyes as though out of everything that had just gone on, THIS, my telling her to take the dog I got for her, hurt her the most.  She nodded, still cradling the left side of her face and disappeared out my bedroom doorway, leaving me standing there with no words, my grandparents sitting behind me.

Then I woke up...

Seems like this dream holds some type of meaning...or something...I don't think this dream was for naught...has to be my subconscious telling me something...and I feel like it's positive whatever it is...or maybe it was just a dream and I'm looking too much into it...

You know...I could sure use one of Jah's interpreter's guided by his holy spirit of the olden days to come and help me out with this...or at least say...FOOL! That dream don't mean jack! Lol...*shrugs*...Ion een know...*smh*...

Maybe....

Sitting here in silence trying to figure out this thing called love.  It's so flipping confusing.  I seriously don't know what to make of it...and I'm starting to wonder if it's meant for me.

I'm tired of love hurting me, tired of it making me cry, just tired of love period.  It's like...wtf is the point.  I thought love was supposed to make you happy, supposed to make life more joyous.  Well when the hell is that coming for me.  I'm so lonely...but at the same time with my track record, I'm just going to end up alone anyway because all those I end up with I make unhappy...in one way or another...I'm doing something wrong to hurt them, whether intentional or not...or vice versa.

And I'm ALWAYS compromising myself just so that they can be happy.  The moment I'm not, I find grief all over again.  I feel like the only way anyone can be happy with me is if I change who I am, what makes me, me, and be exactly what they want me to be.  I feel like I have to give up some part of myself...stop talking to everyone around me, become a hermit and unhappy with my life and self, then they will be happy.

I just wish that people would understand that I am not them...I do not conduct myself as such and the last time I did such things it was completely for naught and left me totally miserable during and after the fact which is why I refuse to let go of who I am and what I do now.  I don't give a f*** about who you talk to or may or may not flirt with because I am secure in myself...but everyone is not like me.  And I can't expect them to be but they cannot expect that of me either.

Love expects so much from me...never promising and actually delivering anything in return.  It's just so f***ing selfish and draining.  Yea...I'm seriously starting to think...maybe...love is not for me...because love...u suck.

A Bottle, A Blunt & A Bullet

Bought a bottle of liquor
With the intent to turn it up til it was empty
Was going to make that bottle mimic the inside of me
Going to...turn it up til it was null & void
Because I needed to be numb for this

Searching for the bottom with each drink
Because I had hit rock bottom
Draining it of its liquid that would give me strength
Because my strength had been drained
Leaving nothing behind
Because behind I was left

I looked in the bottom of that bottle for answers
Answers to the questions the world provided
But was only greeted with clear fluidic realization
There are no answers to be had

So I just drowned my troubles in waves of vodka
Barely keeping my head above the surface
Not fighting to float or even caring to tread, instead
I scribbled a ransom note with my incapable hands
Stating my list of demands...

From life...
The trade off...
MY life

Rolled up a stogy
So I could smoke & remember the old me
And what it was like to fly again
...I missed flying...
Missed that untouchable feeling
That feel that even when civilization collapsed all around you
Soaring so high, seemed there was no way YOUR life would come to ruin

I...let my affected judgment effect me
Allowed it to lead
Even though it was compromised
By this liquor & this weed
I picked up a bullet & my gun
Feeling the coldness of the steel in my hands
Just as cold as reality was towards me

Looking...
I'm not ready yet
Set it down

If I'm not ready now
Nothing to do but to continue to drown
While simultaneously flying
No one knows my troubles
My own mother couldn't even recognize I was dying
And now dead

A troubled inner child
And a guarded adult
Fort Knox didn't even compare
When it came to my locking down the way I felt
But now I'm as open as a hookers legs
Figured since I'm going out,
I'd expose my soul
Like an exhibitionist publicly exposes their genitals

This is my final letter to you
To Whom It May Concern
I hope you can understand what I was going through
In this world alone
With no place to call home
Mother doesn't love me
Grew up on my own
Steadily asking this question
Where did I go wrong?

You don't understand me?
It's cool, no one does
I guess I have no one to blame but me
For always priding myself on being an enigma
That algebraic equation filled with too many variables to solve for

I.Am.Tired

Tired of fighting against the currents
And being pounded by these waves
Tired of climbing these mountains
Never getting any closer to its peaks
Tired of breathing & pushing forward
For it has become such a chore
Tired of just existing
When the world seems to want nothing but for me to cease

I can think of no other reason I keep being tested
Never to prevail
Only made to continue to endure
Well...I can't do this anymore

I'm done...

Picked up that bullet
With my blunt between my lips
Loaded up my gun
Took one last sip
Placed that barrel to my temple
Slowly pulling the trigger

*Click, click*


~Living To Write...Writing to Live~

A Motherless Child

*Sings*
Sometimes I Feel
Like a motherless child

Because even though the one which birthed me
Is still one that lives amongst the living
My mother is not a mother to me

Some sing this song because it is relevant
SOMETIMES

But this song is a melody I breathe
One which pumps through my veins
And my pulse pounds along with its harmony
The lyrics reverberate off my vocal cords
Like the slightest sound bounces off the walls of an empty room

A motherless child

A mother I seek in my mother
But one cannot be found
Not in the case of me
Left alone & lost
Wishing I felt love from you
That so many feel & see
But is not received by me

What did I do wrong

Every time I think we're getting along
Seems as though the slightest thing sets you off
Treating me like a redheaded step child

Or something much worse

Treating me as though I were shingles
Or maybe the mumps
Never concerned about my well being
Just always get in touch for something that you want

But...

As soon as it stops being about you
I get the silent treatment

Because your feelings are hurt

Are you kidding me?
YOUR feelings...?
That's rich

What about my feelings?
What about the damage done to me?
What about that which you refuse to acknowledge?

Forgotten are the punches to the chest
Fists that connected & snatched my breath away
But never opened up to catch me as I collapsed

Yet I love you

Forgotten are the head slams into the cabinets
Doors that never gave way even in the slightest
To ease the collision & soften the pain

Yet I respect you

Forgotten are the strangles
That which held my life at your fingertips
Fingers that only released my throat when I was within inches of

Yet I seek your approval

Punishments that seemed to last for whole lifetimes
Because their length were years instead of weeks
Freedom & a carefree childhood snatched from me

Still I was & still am everything you needed & need me to be

Including:

A mother
With no reason to be mothering
Except, that's what was expected of me
To be everything to your children, my siblings
That you never were to me

But what concerns you
Are your hurt feelings
And suddenly thinking as though
There is hatred felt toward the one
Who gave me life

Once again making THIS...about you

But what you fail to understand
Is I'm bigger than you
I always have been
And maybe that's why you resent me the way you do
Speaking chicanery & deceit
Stating you love me
But your actions are contradictory

You bringing me into this world
Does not give you a free pass
To state that which makes sense & should be
But is not prevalent in how you treat me

Your love is not displayed
Just because you accidentally conceived
Then decided to full term carry & keep

Affection is not your first born taking a back seat
Love is not everyone else getting placed in front of me
While I am left to simmer on the back burner
Cooking & seasoning seeping through & through without the help of you
Except for the occasional spoon being banged up against my pot

I have no energy to give toward hatred
I leave that to you
You seem to be quite good at it
It's bad enough I grew up a child with the blues
Left to fend for myself
And offered no consoling from you

Were you any other person I would have choice words
But I can't bring myself to disrespect the one responsible for my existence
So I'll just say this

Although you figure me to be disloyal
A Judas Iscariot as you once called me
I am more loyal to you than you've ever recognized me to be
If you consider me anything,
Refer to me as THE prodigy

I've excelled regardless of that which you as well as the world has thrown at me
I mean, I sweat excellence
Why else do you think I am perceived as awesome
And of unlimited love am deserving & receiving
It's just not from you, this love, that I am getting

One day you will recognize that I've always been WITH you, not against
But until that day comes
Know that I love you dearly regardless of anything
I just have to keep my distance
Can no longer allow you to create anymore friction
And be what is, to me, a great resistance

Still coping with
But my sanity depends on
The dealing & acceptance of my being

Motherless