Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Dream...

I went to sleep completely exhausted last night...or this morning rather...with a pounding heading and tension in my shoulders.  Yesterday, as most days have been since I've been home, was an interesting day...not necessarily in a bad way, just...interesting...but the most interesting was this dream I had that was very detailed and lasted most of the time I was sleep.

Now...it's been a couple hours but I'll try to recall as much of the dream as I possibly can.

Anyone who knows me knows of a long term relationship I had with...let's call her...Gem. I went through a lot with her and she caused great stress and pain in my life but I was weak for her to say the least.  This dream...factored around her.

From what I can remember I was staying with my grandparents who had this extravagant home with a loft and a nice size fireplace, cherry wood beams with stone walls and this HUGE picture window facing the backyard, sliding doors leading out onto a deck, beautiful green grass, shed and two dog houses for my babies, Lala & Tyson (who I no longer have and haven't had for a little while now).  My description isn't doing the house any justice at all for the picture left in my head.

I receive a phone call...it's Gem...I haven't heard from her in a couple years but she calls me up crying.  Naturally I go running to her rescue.  I go pick her up, ask no questions as to what happened and why she called me and I take her back home with me.

She's got bags galore and I'm helping her carry them into the house upstairs to my room in the loft. Room was decked out, too, btw, lol.  My granny is watching me do this, just shaking her head, probably asking the question I was asking myself as I watched this fiasco...how could you be so damn stupid?!

We get upstairs and I make sure she feels at home...we lay down together in my platform bed with cream colored sheets and down comforter.  I hold her, just like I used to and we fall asleep, her in my arms.  When we wake, things start off good...for like all of ten minutes, then she starts flipping out for no reason what so ever and we just get to arguing just like old times, then...

Change scenes...my grandparents are downstairs...they hear the commotion...Pop is sipping on his coffee...Granny is sitting with her arms folded, looking up at the ceiling...shaking her head.  Pop says, "We better go up there before she kills that girl."  Granny says, "Ion know why she went and got her in the first place. Now if you ask me, Gem need her ass beat."

Back to our programming...Gem is in my closet, then at the dresser, then back to the closet.  She's getting dressed, white hoodie, dark blue jeans, white sneaks, hair pulled back into a ponytail.  I'm trying to talk to her but she's hysterical, moving here and there, stuffing clothes into MY black leather book bag talking about how we should just leave together and start over.  I'm trying to respond but she's not listening and the more I try the more hysterical she gets because what I'm saying is not what she wants to hear.  Now we're both screaming at the top of our lungs.  I'm telling her if she leaves, she's going by herself and she FLIPS and somehow ends up on top of me on the bed trying to choke me out...

Blacked Out...

Next scene, we're on the floor at the foot of the bed. We're tussling when my grandparents come in, my pop raising his voice, which he never does, so that I could hear him above our own screams tell me to get off of her.  My granny sits at the desk in my room by a huge window, gorgeous view, beautiful day outside (sorry, this is just very vivid in my mind). Granny says *Pop's Name Here* Let em fight! They need to get this out. Pop gets to fussing and she tells him to shut up and sit down. He obliges her.  The fight continues...

I rolled over on top of Gem, sitting on her chest with my knees pinning her arms.  I had every intention on beating the shit out of her.  But instead of banging her head on the floor like I was trying to will myself to do in the dream as I watched...I simply proceeded to slap her...repeatedly.

Pop grew nervous as my hands took turns slapping her across her face, each connection a transfer of pain and frustration from myself out into...wherever.  He said calls Granny's name...she holds up her hand.  He turns to me and says stop it and proceeds to grab me, Granny stops him, he sits back down.

I didn't cry, I wasn't yelling & screaming anymore, I wasn't cursing and swearing.  I was completely silent...and so was she...which is probably why Pop was nervous.  She probably looked dead to him.

No matter how many times I hit her, she never cried out in pain, her face didn't develop any bruising or swelling...I just continued to feel better...with each connection.  I slapped her for what seemed like hours...hands probably should have been raw or numb or maybe even both but naturally given that it was a dream, they weren't.

Now, I don't remember counting how many times I hit her while doing so...but suddenly...I stopped...one of my hands still in the air...chest heaving...and I saw her for the first time since all this started...she was squeezing her eyes shut...no bruising, no swelling, no blood, no tears.  I dropped my hand...thinking...I just hit her 104,361 times...104,361 times...One Hundred Four Thousand, Three Hundred Sixty One Times...  I have no idea the significance of this number but its what was there in my mind...its very random but but also quite specific.

I stood...she stood, slowly...even though there was nothing there on her face and I had hit her on both sides damn near equally, she cradled the left side of her face...I imagine because I am right handed.  She looked at me and I looked at her...the thought of her going to tell her sisters what I did and her sisters coming for me ran past the forefront of my mind and I mentally prepared myself for it, already devising a plan to take them all.  She turned...picked up the book bag and said, I'm sorry I came.  I said I'm sorry you did, too...when you leave...make sure you take Tyson with you.  She turned and looked at me again, THIS TIME, with tears in her eyes as though out of everything that had just gone on, THIS, my telling her to take the dog I got for her, hurt her the most.  She nodded, still cradling the left side of her face and disappeared out my bedroom doorway, leaving me standing there with no words, my grandparents sitting behind me.

Then I woke up...

Seems like this dream holds some type of meaning...or something...I don't think this dream was for naught...has to be my subconscious telling me something...and I feel like it's positive whatever it is...or maybe it was just a dream and I'm looking too much into it...

You know...I could sure use one of Jah's interpreter's guided by his holy spirit of the olden days to come and help me out with this...or at least say...FOOL! That dream don't mean jack! Lol...*shrugs*...Ion een know...*smh*...

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