Friday, May 7, 2010

Another Attempt to Let Go

Its amazing the things you think about while at work...the things, something so simple as dates, calls to mind.  I entered a date today, 6/15/2004...it was a good memory...at first...but then doubt overshadowed that and I found myself wondering if while you were away from me, were you sexing her...had you just been intimate with her before you came home and snuck in through the window to surprise me hollering about your birthday.  It was a good night that night...but when it was brought to mind for that brief moment, my heart hurt all over again thinking about the things I knew...and the things I didn't.


Today is May 7th...hadn't even really thought about it until I was going through what the day was in my head, tryna figure out about how much time I had left to pay my phone bill before it was ACTUALLY due...I like to pay stuff ahead of time...but you should've already known that.


If we were still together, today would've marked six years...six years of infidelity, abuse, heated arguments and fights...six years of misery.  You would've had a ring on your finger, an expensive ring, I would've been settling because it was the only thing that made sense at the time to do after being together for so long.


I guess I should thank you for saving me the trouble.......................................
Yea...that thanks is never coming......


No one REALLY TRULY knows just how much I was into you, how I was your moon, revolving around you.  Even with my being unhappy, you were still my world...you were everything that mad it turn.  Yes, some times things were bad and, lord knows, when things were bad, they were THE WORST but the good times were not so few and far between...they happened quite frequently...and the best times...they were my everything...YOU, were my everything.


When you left me, it hurt like hell...I hadn't contemplated suicide since my preteen years but I did those days following your departure...and definitely on those days I allowed you to lead me on...and especially after I found out so many truths.  If it weren't for Jess, I would've gladly pulled the trigger to end the pain, pain I'm still suffering from...had the means to...apparently just not the courage...or maybe I just had enough presence of mind to call her first...or both...*shrugs*...I don't know.  All I know is, after I found out everything...the lies you told, those you cheated on me with...the fact that everything I had known for four plus years wasn't real at all...I could've died a thousand deaths and it still wouldn't have been as painful...and it definitely wouldn't have lasted this long, that's for sure...would've been instant...a thousand times over.


I guess I should've know better...and truthfully speaking, I honestly did...a woman knows...especially a woman like me...but I was in love, stupid for you, dumbstruck for the fantasy realm, and I decided to turn a blind eye, ignore my gut & not invade your privacy to find out...whatever...because when you're looking for something, you always find it.


My relationship with you has affected me a great deal.  Love, for me, translates into pain...the thought of relationships gives me anxiety...commitment is absolutely terrifying.  I attribute my unhappiness within such to, "that's just the way relationships are supposed to be," and I find myself questioning everything said and even more so...untrusting of one's sincerity...of their supposed "love" for me...of their want to be with me, protect me, do for me...not trusting at all...I find myself...terribly guarded.  And even today...I believe in doing for myself...I believe that no one can make me happy but me because no one is capable of keeping their word, of doing what it is they SAY their hearts speak...


Someone said to me once that I needed to find balance because I was a loving person who either gave my all...or gave nothing at all.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell...I don't know how to do anything else.  If I'm giving my all, I am sacrificing my own happiness for my mate...its what I did with you, it's what I continue to do, even now.  It is 100% selfless...while the other is the exact opposite...100% selfish...but it never lasts long.  That constant struggle within my mind, to find some sort of balance which seems to be nonexistent...is torturous within itself...a self made prison with floors lined with tears & walls papered with constant irritation of one thing or another.  I sleep in a bed of frustration and look into the mirror to see...inadequacy...and I fear that's how I'll always be...with someone always in the wings waiting for me, hurrying me to get the fuck over it so that things can just be...I don't know.


You know...every time I think I'm finally done with you and this pain you caused, there always seems to be something that brings you back up again and makes my insides ache and my heart scream out in agony, be it dates, music, or whatever.  I've never wasted any of my time or energy on hating someone in all my life...I don't do so even now...I swear on everything I love and hold dear I wish I could hate you because maybe then it would be easier for me to get over this, be easier for me to let go...especially after the email I wrote you the other day...that was supposed to be my closure.  And yet...here I sit...writing this same blog all over again...trying my hand at...another attempt to let go...because how can I truly love another...if I don't.

No comments:

Post a Comment