A Motherless Child

*Sings*
Sometimes I Feel
Like a motherless child

Because even though the one which birthed me
Is still one that lives amongst the living
My mother is not a mother to me

Some sing this song because it is relevant
SOMETIMES

But this song is a melody I breathe
One which pumps through my veins
And my pulse pounds along with its harmony
The lyrics reverberate off my vocal cords
Like the slightest sound bounces off the walls of an empty room

A motherless child

A mother I seek in my mother
But one cannot be found
Not in the case of me
Left alone & lost
Wishing I felt love from you
That so many feel & see
But is not received by me

What did I do wrong

Every time I think we're getting along
Seems as though the slightest thing sets you off
Treating me like a redheaded step child

Or something much worse

Treating me as though I were shingles
Or maybe the mumps
Never concerned about my well being
Just always get in touch for something that you want

But...

As soon as it stops being about you
I get the silent treatment

Because your feelings are hurt

Are you kidding me?
YOUR feelings...?
That's rich

What about my feelings?
What about the damage done to me?
What about that which you refuse to acknowledge?

Forgotten are the punches to the chest
Fists that connected & snatched my breath away
But never opened up to catch me as I collapsed

Yet I love you

Forgotten are the head slams into the cabinets
Doors that never gave way even in the slightest
To ease the collision & soften the pain

Yet I respect you

Forgotten are the strangles
That which held my life at your fingertips
Fingers that only released my throat when I was within inches of

Yet I seek your approval

Punishments that seemed to last for whole lifetimes
Because their length were years instead of weeks
Freedom & a carefree childhood snatched from me

Still I was & still am everything you needed & need me to be

Including:

A mother
With no reason to be mothering
Except, that's what was expected of me
To be everything to your children, my siblings
That you never were to me

But what concerns you
Are your hurt feelings
And suddenly thinking as though
There is hatred felt toward the one
Who gave me life

Once again making THIS...about you

But what you fail to understand
Is I'm bigger than you
I always have been
And maybe that's why you resent me the way you do
Speaking chicanery & deceit
Stating you love me
But your actions are contradictory

You bringing me into this world
Does not give you a free pass
To state that which makes sense & should be
But is not prevalent in how you treat me

Your love is not displayed
Just because you accidentally conceived
Then decided to full term carry & keep

Affection is not your first born taking a back seat
Love is not everyone else getting placed in front of me
While I am left to simmer on the back burner
Cooking & seasoning seeping through & through without the help of you
Except for the occasional spoon being banged up against my pot

I have no energy to give toward hatred
I leave that to you
You seem to be quite good at it
It's bad enough I grew up a child with the blues
Left to fend for myself
And offered no consoling from you

Were you any other person I would have choice words
But I can't bring myself to disrespect the one responsible for my existence
So I'll just say this

Although you figure me to be disloyal
A Judas Iscariot as you once called me
I am more loyal to you than you've ever recognized me to be
If you consider me anything,
Refer to me as THE prodigy

I've excelled regardless of that which you as well as the world has thrown at me
I mean, I sweat excellence
Why else do you think I am perceived as awesome
And of unlimited love am deserving & receiving
It's just not from you, this love, that I am getting

One day you will recognize that I've always been WITH you, not against
But until that day comes
Know that I love you dearly regardless of anything
I just have to keep my distance
Can no longer allow you to create anymore friction
And be what is, to me, a great resistance

Still coping with
But my sanity depends on
The dealing & acceptance of my being

Motherless