I don't really blog...I mean I used to a lot but I don't now. I do journal entries. Even the name of this blog has everything to do with it being an extension of my journal. Onyx...who I have sitting open in front of me right now...I started an entry in her yesterday but couldn't finish it. I was on the phone and couldn't see past my tears. This is something different...sort of.
Seems like I'm always writing about Love. I don't know what to make of it. Seems like there's always so much sacrificing for it...and for some reason I always feel like I end up with the short end of the stick. I love Love...but Love doesn't love me. That is my conclusion...I've never cried so much in my life as I do when Love is involved. Love has this funny way of kicking my ass and then kicking me when I'm down, no matter what I do...I give up this, stop doing that, suppress that and do all this...and yet, Love just keeps spitting in my face, which flipping sucks because if I'm being honest, I really do want this...I'm just tired of what it seems to be costing me. I know this will be read and the question will be asked, "What is it costing you?" or "You don't think I've sacrificed, that this is costing me as well?" *shrugs* Whatever...this is about me...and maybe this shit is all in my head, idk...lord knows the idea has been presented to me once or twice...or a billion times...before. Maybe it is...guess I'll never really truly know the answer to that.
While having a separate phone conversation from the one that had me crying while writing in Onyx, I expressed that I sometimes wished that I never met my ex, "Gem" because if it weren't for her, I would be able to love blindly, ignore the negative because all I was concerned with would be pure unadulterated happiness. <<< Paraphrased >>> I'm the type that will respect your privacy, whether I have a feeling or not because once you go looking for something, you always find it. Once found, trust dwindles and it makes it damn near impossible for happiness to ensue. "Gem" was my first love...pure love...unadulterated happiness because I chose to ignore my gut and give her the benefit of the doubt...and even with the fights and arguments we had, my doing that filled that relationship with happiness and good times that I wouldn't trade for the world. But it also got me a world of hurt in the end. It's because of this...that blindness I loved her with and the hurt and astronomical pain experienced behind it that I will never love blindly ever again. One will never receive the benefit of the doubt from me again because, as this was once stated to me, doubt has no benefit.
What frustrated me during this conversation is that this was not met with understanding...it was met with,
"You're not the only one who has experienced pain, not the only who has put up with shit and put up with shit just for the sake of love. You're not the only one who has loved blindly. I've done that shit time and time again...so I don't wanna hear shit about, "Gem".
Imagine my frustration in hearing that...because in all honesty...I really don't give two fifths of a flying fuck who experienced what and if I'm the only one or not. I'm me...and I only know what I've experienced and how it affected me and the way I feel about things. I don't give a shit about anyone else because I'm not them and everyone handles things differently, everyone experiences things differently...and I was head over heals, write our names in the sky, pages and pages of poetry dedicated to you, tattoo your name on my ass in love with this girl...young love...first love...the type you only experience once love...I saw a future with her which is more than I can say for most...I saw us having children and living a life of forever and a day happiness with the necessary rough times. I saw everything that mattered...with her...I cut people off...for her...feuded with family...for her...because I loved her...was in love with her, truly and unconditionally, no matter what we endured or what I endured because of her. So fuck me for being pissed off that I was not heard and what was heard instead was...I'm making one pay for another's mistakes...I guess...but what I said was totally missed because one thinks they know what I felt and what I'm feeling...right? Idk...
I know I'm frustrated as all hell...and you know what....fuck it....I don't want to write about this anymore...tired of shedding tears because I seek understanding of everyone and no one seems to seek the same of me. I'll just continue to suppress things...parts of me, parts of emotions, parts of thoughts...who the heck cares...no one's gonna flipping get it anyway. Just seems easier that way...that way, no one gets hurt or angry or frustrated but me...and no one will be the wiser, that is, until I freaking implode. FTW & FML
~An Abstraction Trying To Be Understood~
~An Abstraction Trying To Be Understood~