Monday, May 23, 2011

Just One Of Those Days

Today started off easy enough. It was beautiful day, I got plenty of rest, woke up to pleasantries and the love of her on my mind and I was just in an all around good mood. The ending? Me laying in bed, clothes scattered all over the floor w a drink on the table next to me, my clothes damp from the the liquor that missed my lips when I turned up the glass. I was sporting irritation with a hint of urked. Why u ask? Your guess is as good as mine. had nothing to do with the the drink.

I fuss...a lot. Usually it's all in good fun unless I'm at work. Then of course it's valid but still...people get tired of listening to one bitch...EYE get tired of hearing myself. So...I'm trying to tone it down a bit because quite frankly it's exhausting. Is this blog gonna be me bitching...Idk. I just felt like writing and this is what is flowing.

Random: Have you ever smoked alcohol soaked greenage? Neither have I just was wondering...

So I wanna write...not what I'm writing now. I want to write something meaningful, something entertaining, something that might make one go hmmm. But where do I begin? I have so much material I need to get out, it's ridiculous. Spiritual stuff, political stuff, controversy controversy, controversy. And I need to get back to writing my novel. I was on a roll and then everything just stopped. Life somehow got too busy and I stopped doing that which once came to me as easy as breathing. Now it's like I'm tryna push a parked car up hill. That's mad frustrating.

Nothing happened today...not a damn thing. 7Why I am in the mood I'm in, I have no idea. It just happened. And from the point, everything urked the hell outta me. Really...I think I'm just ready to go. Ready to start a new life in a new place with a new someone. I'm sick of this place...and I'm over breaking my back for my job...quite literally...just over it in general. My living can't really complain. I got it ok but little things here and there bother me, which means it's time for me to go that much more.

One thing that helped me feel a bit better at the end of this weird feeling day...packing. I decided I'm going to go through my things tomorroe and see what I can do without so I can start sending packages on their way. Maybe doing such and looking for work where I'm headed will help these next few weeks fly by. *fingers crossed* Here's hopin...

*sigh* I guess that's all I had to say...I feel better actually. I was gonna ramble on way longer than this when I first started but this'll do. Its served its purpose.
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Friday, March 25, 2011

Healthy Reflection

It was my every intention to freehand write earlier today but I was soon moved out of the mood to do so as soon as I got it in my mind to sit down and knock it out.  Tonight, I decided to go a different that was not of a poetic nature, just a thoughtful one.

I haven't been on the phone at all today.  And I've locked myself up for the most part to sit in my loneliness and seclusion.  Being lonely sucks but sometimes it is necessary.

Last night, I went back into my blog...back to the beginning.  Even the last entry I wrote, which was some time ago, I's depressing as hell! Reflective yes but very my opinion anyway...and censored.  I'm not looking to censor myself anymore, no matter what damage it may cause.  To speak freely is to be free.  Plus it makes my stress and anxiety that much closer to being none existent.

(Please excuse me, I'll be all over the place.  Thanks)

Let's sit on that for a minute.  I recently, recent as in a few months ago, made a decision that was for the greater good of myself.  People...or a person hurt in the process.  I am truly apologetic for that.  Today, however, I've come to realize one of my many mistakes throughout life.  I can not please everyone, hard as I might try.  And even more important, I can't be everyone's everything while being nothing for myself.  I hate to come off as some sort of saint or martyr because Lord knows I am neither.  But the fact of the matter is, I have always been so concerned with everyone's feelings of me and their happiness, that I've often sat in a delusional misery to maintain their contentment, hiding my own unhappiness and therefore contributing to the illusion, the LIE, that everything is okay.  No, this is not me playing the victim because this has all been self inflicted.  If anything it makes me the culprit, the "Bad Guy", that much more because of the damage it has caused in the long run.

Truth of the matter is this:  I don't do well doing and doing and doing and having nothing to show for it.  I am a giver but I hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of.  I also hate to have my feelings ignored, as do most.  If I tell you this is what something is, don't tell me it's not and then try to make it out to seem like I'm losing it or crazy or something.  That pisses me off and it's a good way to get me to shut the hell up completely.  And don't get pissed off I tell you are...getting on my nerves.  If you are, you are, get over it because I will.  Shit happens, comes with the territory of relationships, be it associations, friends, etc.

I also hate when a person tells me all they've done for me and all they've sacrificed as leverage or to make me feel like shit for something or other as if I asked for any type of saving grace what so ever.  Ion care who you are, family or otherwise, because odds are, I've done just as much, in some cases more, as you have.  I am not a user or taker.  If I can avoid getting help, I'll just as soon stress over how things will come together than take it.  And I have no problem returning the favor, giving my all even when I don't have anything to give.  I appreciate any bit of help given.  It is not lost upon me that you may have gone through great lengths to give me whatever it was you think I needed...thanks.  Now let's move on from it...because I swear to Moses, if I hear a mofo tell me one more time they did this, this and that, be it financial, emotional, or whatever, Ima flip out...*smh*  And we'll just leave that right there.

On another note, I don't identify as gay because I don't like labels...but if you must label me I am not a lesbian, I am bisexual.  I love women with every fiber of my being and have for years.  I love men just the same. Get over it.  I'm versatile...some look at me as a fem, others have called me a soft some circles I'm a down ass chick or a tomboy...what the fuck ever...I'm honestly just me.  Take that wherever you want to.

Also to sit still is be busy is fine...but there must always be balance.

I was texting an old high school friend today.  She's always been overly ambitious, which I think is great.  But the girl does so damn much that she never just stops to smell the flowers...not from what I gather anyway.

She was speaking to me about how she has taken to practicing four instruments, one of which she is actually teaching herself how to play.  She tutors and is actually in the process of drawing up a proposal to start her own tutoring facility.  She just recently went out to Duke University, of which she is an alumni, graduated top of her class...I mean 4.o0 top of her class, AKA recreate this huge art exhibit she did one of the years she was there.  She worked, from what she said, sometimes 16 hrs a day to complete it within the allotted time frame she was given.  Aside from all this, she's writing two, or is it three, books, proof reading a huge manuscript written by one of her mentors, flying here and there for different engagements of many organizations like her sorority and the like and the list goes on and on.

When I made the comment that she does a lot, she responded life is short...agreed...But when I said she seems to never sit down and take in the beauty the world has to offer she said she was glad to miss 90% of the mess that existed.  This immediately turned me off from the conversation...what about the other 10%?!  U have to just sit still long enough to take it all in, the good AND the bad of life...just saying.

But on the other end of that...Ion want to be sitting up in the house, sitting damn still all the time either, while the world passes me by, because when it's all said and done, Ion want to have a long ass list of should of, could of, would of's.  Those are exhausting and depressing.  If Ion have the means to do so, that's one thing, but damn it, what is life if not to experience, take chances, LIVE!

*sighs* I digress....I say all this to say that while the system of things is truly screwed, it still offers beauty outside of the bullshit.  Live life because it is short yes but take in all it has to offer...don't let it pass you by but don't take the little things for granted either.  Balance.  THIS is important as well.

I'm rambling, so I'll wrap this up...

I have been content with my life as of late.  Happy with some things while others need improvement.  But overall I am content.  It's odd being over that quarter year hump, finally and finding myself slowly but surely.  I am not ecstatic about the paths my life has taken, paths I've chosen that put my things on hold in order to make blossom  the things of others, just to see them fail and allow a little piece of myself to die in the process.  But whatever...what's done is done and every choice comes with its own lesson.  Whether or not you choose to take heed...well that's entirely up to us as individuals.

This is what I know, I have been tired of not being number one in my own life.  I am tired of changing to fit someone else, tired of thinking their happiness is more important than mine.  Tired of shutting out individuals because of basics that were not mine but was what was going to keep peace.  Tired of fucked up personalities and habits getting projected onto me...tired of believing those were my own.  Tired of not living up to my potential...tired of just dreaming of doing and not doing.  Tired of not living but existing.  Tired of not being me.  My new truth is, I matter and I am greater than others and myself  have led me to believe.  I own this truth and I take it and place myself first and foremost, within my life, above all...everything else and every other human being is secondary.  I can't make everyone happy, only me.  I can contribute to the cause but I can't make it happen.  And I'll be damned if I ever lose sight of this now that I have it.  I am me...forever changing while remaining the same.  I know that doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me.  That's really all that matters.

Life is could be better but I mean a lot of people's lives could be better.  I'm well taken care of an
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Thursday, December 2, 2010

This'll Be Quick

Have you ever felt as though you were living in a proverbial prison? I guess in many ways we all are but the funny thing is...we choose some of our prison cells. And even though we have the key to the door, we choose to stay within that cell because of the sense of security within, no matter how minute or nonexistent as well as foolish that security may seem.

Some of us will even go as far as appointing ourselves a warden because us being our own warden is not good enough. We deem ourselves unfit to police our own lives, therefore, incapable of taking on such a task as keeping ourselves in line, even if being out of line has never been a problem before. As a result of our feeling inadequate to ourselves, we choose someone else to be adequate enough for us. In doing so, giving that someone the power to dictate our comings and goings, watching our every move, inadvertently shaping our lives, from associations to attitude, right down to the very minute of each activity of everyday.

Some wardens we appoint are simply abusive to the umpteenth degree, others are just intimidating. Others still will control us in others ways...whether knowingly or not...manipulating their resources to grab hold of us or even strengthen the firm grip they already have. ...And we allow it... Why? For that false sense of security, maybe...or fear...or maybe we're simply gluttons for punishment. Everyone has their own reasons I suppose although not many of us know them right off hand. It's something that has to be pondered in order to be figured out.

What is the point of all this...where is this coming from? I couldn't tell you where it's coming from or the point. All I know is this is valid for most of us in many ways.

There are some cells we have no control over as far as our being in them or not. I mean not every aspect of our lives do we have complete control over...or any control for that matter. Life continues to prove that to all of us. But some things we can control and some cells we do choose making things harder on ourselves than it should or is meant to be. I say to us all...STOP IT...we are already prisoners, slaves to this system. Let's not lock ourselves up and be unnecessary prisoners of everything else within that system. Set Yourself Free. Be as free as you possibly can be. Demand your freedom. I know...easier said than done, right? But you must, for your sanity, as well as your happiness, depends on it.

~Sanity Is Within Reach...Grab It~
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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Growing Pains

I'm gonna do my best not to look like a complete and utter fool and let my emotions take over on this one.  I just need to talk for a second...or many.

I'm frustrated...that's it, I'm just frustrated.  I am frustrated with everything, with nothing, with LIFE!  As I sit here and type this, I laugh.  I feel like I'm the punchline to a joke or something and everyone is in on it but me.  Idk.  I mean, Geez.La.Weez.  I swear to Moses, this shit is exhausting.

I'm trying, you know.  I really am.  I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying not to fall into a deep depression, trying not to have this anxiety that rides around in my chest.  Trying to give 110%.  I'm trying to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend...and good to me...and better than I used to be.

It's been said I'm stubborn.  *raises hand* I'll admit that, I am guilty as charged.  But I try not to be.  I try as best I can to be open minded and not so pig headed about thoughts, ideas, suggestions, advice.  I do try.  One thing I know I do to a fault, I will consider your thoughts always...but if I feel strongly about something pertaining to me...yea, ok, I hear you but I ain't listening type of thing.  Yea, I know it's shitty.  I'll give it a once over almost every time you tell me this thought or suggestion but if I feel it, whatever "IT" is, your suggestion becomes illogical to me, no matter how very logical it may be.

Why am I like this? *taps chin then shrugs*  Hell, if I know.  Blame it on the way I was raised, I know I do.  All that, my stubbornness and any other negative quality I've been doing for as long as I can remember.  I was also raised to be somewhat self destructive, too. *blinks* Okay, not somewhat, just self destructive, period.  Go figure.  So at some point I have to ask myself...Self...??? do you know that by your following a feeling, your "GUT" so to speak, this is not just you showing self destructive behavior?  To answer this question, I implore you to open your ears to the commonly used phrase: I.Don't.Know.

Truth of the matter is this:  When I get feelings, gut feelings and I don't go along with them, I kick myself for it because initially that feeling, your first mind, was right.  But that's not to say these feelings don't keep me from making or have me making decisions with my life that can be potentially self destructive.  But I also know that, if I'm admitting to being self destructive, my nature of such usually comes when my back is up against the wall and I'm feeling rushed then I'm dealing with decisions on impulse.  Boy oh boy...never try this at home kids.  Impulse decisions suck.  But I'm sure you know this already.  Maybe not all of them but it's enough of them that you don't wanna do ever.  Where was I going with this...?  Idk.

Anyway...sometimes I wonder if I'm being self destructive or if I am on the right path.  Sometimes I wonder why I even try at all because I seemingly keep reaching defeat.  THAT is beyond frustrating.  I can't stress that enough.  And every time I think I finally got it right, something goes terribly wrong.  And every time I think I'm finally about to get what I deserve, I get these bullshit circumstances.  I mean what the hell? What am I supposed to do because I swear to Moses I have no clue what so ever.

This growing up shit hurts.  I mean do I really need this much negative life experience before it becomes easier?  And what about all the good I thought I was doing.  I mean I can't even begin to count how many times I have placed my own troubles on the back burner to assist with someone else's.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe one of these days I could be fortunate enough to be so selfish that my own issues and burdens will take precedent over everyone else's.  Maybe it's the fact that I try so hard to save everyone else, not asking for anything in return or placing stipulations on one receiving my assistance, with no regard for myself and my life that things go the way they do.  Who knows...I most certainly don't, that's for sure.  But who am I kidding...I've always been like that and I'm always gonna be like that.  As helpful as I can be, doing what I can do when I can do it for whoever is in need, even when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my help is unappreciated.  It's what I do. And I'm good at it.  Or maybe I'm not and it's not me doing good at all but me doing it out of my own selfish gain...naw, that's not it at all, lol.

Seriously though...I just know I'm tired. I'm tired of simply treading water and putting on this strong face and keeping a level head and being everyone's rock and lifeline and swimming to save them and not having that for myself...not being that for myself...not doing that for myself.  Tired of just existing, biding my time waiting...waiting for what, I'm not sure.  Happiness for one thing...all the rest, Idk and I won't know til I know, you know, lol.  

Sheesh...I could sure go for a nice strong cocktail right now. 

~~*Sink or Swim...Swim or Sink*~~

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A Conversation With God

Hey, Jehovah. How are You?  I wish I knew...or maybe I don't.  Or maybe I do but if You were to reveal it to me, I'd probably wish You hadn't...right?  Idk, lol.

As you know, I've been all over the place lately.  Stress through the roof...okay, so maybe not through the roof but the level is definitely high.  I'm just trying to be patient, You know.  Being patient when it comes to my livelihood is not really something I'm good at but then I don't have much of a choice.  Being still...Doing nothing...I feel like I'm doing nothing more so than I feel like I'm being still.  It's frustrating, just waiting.  You know what it is I want right?  I know You're all knowing, I was just wondering if I needed to speak it aloud.  I'll do that privately.  While I feel very much comfortable speaking to You out in the open now, some things are still just between me and You.

Talking to You in the open...remember when I struggled with that?  It wasn't that long ago, so I'm sure You do.  I used to have a hard time simply stating Your name aloud in front of different crowds.  But my being able to speak to You freely in such way with this new found courage makes me proud.  I'd rather it be this way.  I think I owe You this much in the very least...I mean I owe more but lets face it, I could never repay You for everything You are to and for me.  So, I'll just simply share my conversations with You with everyone and no one...who ever keeps track of this here blog.

I'm happy to say that lately, my mood has been better although my worry is pretty much the same if not more.  I'm still scared because I have no idea where I'm headed.  Where things seemed so clear to me before, they are now quite blurry.  Plus, I want to make sure I'm headed in the direction I'm supposed to be headed in...I kinda need Your help with that, a little guidance here and there to let me know You approve and this is right, if You don't mind.  I know You're a busy man, so I'll do my best not to utilize all Your time (an impossible feat considering You are infinite in all things) =).

You know, I didn't really have any specific reason for writing this...just to say hey I suppose.  But since I'm writing it I do want to say, I appreciate everything.  You have set my spirit at ease and have made it easy for me to approach You once again.  Yes, life is still hectic and I still need Your foot to connect with my backside every now and again to kick me back into gear and keep me on track and all that good stuff.  Yes, I'm asking if You's needed.  But I know that if I continue to have faith and trust that powers that be, (You), things will work least I'm hoping.  You may have something else in store for me, who knows but You.  I just know that, I want what I want and I want what's right for me, as well as what is meant for me...what I deserve.  Do I deserve nothing? I sure hope not but You would be the judge of that.

So...yea...that job?  You know the one...can You tell them to get a move on it! That's the one I want.  It's perfect for me (I was gonna wait to ask You about this but what for when I'm talking to You now).  Good schedule, good workout, decent enough money for me to get by and I would still be able to take my trip.  I'd say its a win for me all around.  If you could show me what it is I need to be doing so I can get if I need to just continue to be still or if I need to harass some folk or something...yea...I'd appreciate that, lol.  That's the one I want.  Can You make it happen for me?  Thanks...

Uh...I think that's all I got.  Um, thank you...for listening...and thank you for everything again, You know, the calming of the spirit, the easing (for the most part) of my mind and just...just everything.  You are awesome to say the least. =)

It's been real.  And in your son's name I pray...