(Written 9/19/2009...Background to Next Post)
I started this letter once already at 7:05am but my computer went down and I lost everything I wrote. It's too bad, too because I was on a roll...you know our luck with computers. Why so early? Shit, I don't know. I didn't sleep last night. No, it had nothing to do with you being on my mind because really you weren't...not until 7:05...just every now and again insomnia knocks at my door, let's herself in and gets comfortable. Who am I to kick her out when no matter how much I kick and scream, she won't go anywhere anyway...it's a waste of my energy. Sleep usually comes in the morning....if I'm lucky.
This morning, I sat on the couch listening to music and something played on my stereo that reminded me of you and what was...what was... It wasn't that the song had any particular meaning to our relationship, only that we listened to the album together, it was in the Era of Rabbit and Peoples. [Peoples...I don't call myself that anymore...I've evolved...and even though you're not "around", I feel like you're "around" enough to know that. Pisses me off that you still have some sight to see my life although I have none to see yours. Maybe that's a good thing.]
Reminiscing sucks...do you know that? I try not to because all it does is awaken pain in me that I have to continue to push down and bury to go on with my life. Yet and still I reminisce. I usually think of the bad because that's more recent, that's what's new, that's what I feel but even if I don't start off on the bad, the good leads to it. That's fucked up I know but cut me some slack. You know as well as I do that it's not for nought...you played me, period, point, blank.
Sometimes, I wonder if it ever was as hard for you as it was for me...as it is for me. I wonder if it was hard for you to walk away...then I remember that you walked away into the arms of another while making me believe that we still had a chance to be together. Am I bitter...Hell Yeah...wouldn't you be...hell, you were bitter over the shit I did in the beginning, you know, the emails. That shit was no where near as deep as this but it still hurt you and you were bitter and untrusting...[Untrusting...I'll come back to this]. I admit, I fucked up in the beginning, when I was new to this thing...this committed relationship thing...this love thing...this, same sex thing...I do not deny that. When my worst fear was disappointing my family and I put a deadline on us, hoping to not be as into you as you were into me because I needed a way out. Do you remember when we discussed that disappointment, that fear, for the first time? Of course you do...it rang in your ears for years because we talked about it...you asked me if I still worried, if I still cared about that. That all seems irrelevant now.
It's been one year and ten days since I wrote my last poem for you out of sheer love and desire; one year and five days since I gave up all hope in you ever coming back home; zero days since I've stopped loving you, because if I'm being honest with myself, I still love you...I'm just not in love with you. I want to hate you, I want to let go. I mean, you disgust me sure, but only occasionally when I'm at my lowest of lows...and I just can't seem to bring myself to hate you, even after everything you did. If I saw you on the street today, I wouldn't even be able to be a bitch to you like I am in our encounters we have in my mind. Why?...is the ever prevalent question...no answer ever ensues. I guess that's love for your ass.
I still have our pictures...I can't bring myself to look at them though, although I can't bring myself to delete them either. Those pictures are my good memories of you, of us, being kids in love with life and freedom as well as each other, seemingly untouchable except by one another. Together, we were unstoppable. People envied us, our young love, and they tried to tear us apart but through it all we endured. In the end, we fell apart due to constant dissension within the ranks and that ultimately led to our downfall, my defenses weakening and you letting her in to eventually leave to move on to the next.
The first time noticed you faltering was not with her...but with no way to prove it and my own misdealings behind me, who was I to point the finger at you...and you made sure to remind me of that every chance you got. However, I know the truth about you...I know the reasons behind you always being accusatory even before there was anything to accuse me of. If we were having this conversation over the phone or face to face you would deny it two hundred ten percent, as you have many times before. That's why I decided to write a letter, because you can shake your head at the letter all you want but the letter doesn't care about what you say...it's stating its opinion boldly with no room for argument. So your untrusting nature was way before I fucked up. It was what it was because you were doing wrong all along. And me...I trusted you blindly, opened my heart up to you and expressed that I was.in.love. I would've laid down my life for you if I thought it would save yours and you took advantage. Well played.
Humph...As I near the end of this letter that you will never read, I wonder, as I often do...was it ever as real to you as it was for me? The love, the laughs, even the hardships? If I could've promised you forever from the beginning, would you have been faithful to me? If I was able to offer you more than my undying love on a platinum platter, would you have stayed? I just wonder...
You know what hurts the most? Not that you left, not your infidelity all those years, not even you accusing me of dropping that bomb on you when we both knew better. What hurts the most is that I'll never know...I'll never know if you ever really wanted me as much as you said you did. Yes it hurts that nearly five years was lost along with a near engagement [I had the perfect ring picked out for you], a planned family up in smoke and I had to start over with nothing while you had a new life mapped out and waiting for you...but never knowing if I could've saved myself the grief and the time and kept my love for another is what kills me. Because of you...I shut the door on love, turned the dead bolt, locked the door knob, put on the chain, and barricaded the door shut, looking cautiously through the peep hole waiting for an intruder with a twelve gauge shot gun...and because of me, too...I let you in, I loved you blindly...and was completely ignorant to all that you did. My ignorance was blissful...I'd give anything to have that back.
You are under my skin...you're like that itch that you can't scratch because its not on the surface...and the shit just won't go away. Why won't you just go away???
One last thing...do you remember that day when you came to see me and we talked outside the house and you told me you were really sick? Remember when you asked me what I would do if you told me you had made a terrible mistake and you wanted to back home? Do you remember I told you that you had no home here with me anymore, no home to come back to and that your home was now with her? To see the look in your eyes after I said that hurt SO MUCH!!! It was the hardest thing I think I EVER had to do in my life...to not come to your rescue...to not grab you up and hold you and tell you that I missed you so much and all I wanted was for you to come home anyway. That shit ate me up...it still does. But I wonder if you said that just to see what I would say...I wonder if you ever really had any plans on leaving her to come back home if I would have said what it was you wanted to hear that night...I wonder.
I know one thing if I know nothing else...you do still think of me occasionally because every now and then I get a call from a random number, and we're still connected to the point that I know it's you when it's you...or I a random IM message, depending on my status...I just don't think you dwell on it like I do...but hey, I guess neither one of us really is supposed to...do me a favor though...and tell that to my heart...
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