Saturday, May 15, 2010

Mathematically Speaking

(Written May 12, 2010)

Love is
One of the keys to happiness & depression
Not really making sense, no Logic
Can't even be broken down Mathematically

It goes on Tangents
Speaking Logarithms & Formulas of,
To Solve for the Variable,
Me...that became we,
One that is now two
Divided by such & the Quotient
Is what I want to be,
Absolute & Totally

Being we,
Makes me
A Negative Integer
Even being placed with you Positively,
The Difference is still
Less Than Zero & I
Am but a Fraction of myself,
Multiplied by a broken heart & troubled mind

The Square Root of my soul is
Unintelligible, a small Decimal
I...just want to be Whole while
Standing alone because
Even Paired together as Binomials
You are not enough to Complete me

You could only be the Cosine to

I'm just trying to find the Right Angle to
Work this Problem out that
Some swear is the Solution to everything
...My Algorithm, if you will...
Want my mind to be Congruent with my heart because
Until such occurs...
There's no way we can be Equals...

Just for the simple fact that,
You don't understand my mental's genetic make
My Biology,
Which is another subject entirely
But to understand how I operate,
You must get that THIS is NOT rocket science
It's Physics, still dealing in Numerics
Which comes full circle to Mathematics
I am Geometrics & Proofs

...But clearly, Math is not one of your strong suits...

If it were
You could see why my Division from the world &
My NOT being Added to you
Is what's needed to
Figure out X, Y, & Z
In this Algebraic Equation that is me

But the only Terms you've come to accept is
I just want to be at Odds with you
Because the End Point of my rational Means
We can't be Coefficient
Leaving the Remainder of us as
You & I becoming Monomials

Never mind the fact that
I've Evaluated the Exponent of my pain &
It's ability to keep resurfacing again
Constant but ever changing...
As I search desperately to find Balance
And reach the Median of
This psyche, my Verse & Inverse

Pi is not me
I am far from Irrational
You just don't want we to, Finite, be
So this is what you accuse me of being
But understand & hear me as I raise my Volume

We can not be Reflections of each other
If I can't follow my mind's Locus
Graphing experience & Dependent Events
Factoring life's processes
While Translating me
Into the original Origin that was
Before I was Bisected &
Back when my Vertex was nonexistent
When I was Supplementary
And inside of, lied the Powers that could & would carry me

That is...of course...speaking Mathematically

At the moment
You just don't understand

Food For Thought

(Written May 12, 2010)

I was riding in silence today
No radio playing
Just the sound of my thoughts
Reverberating in my ears,
My mental regurgitating events that
Were thought to have been digested & passed as waste

...because thats what they were...

A waste of time,
Energy and

Tired of being force fed bull crap &
Being made to believe its a delectable meal
Tired of eating selfishness &
Being told its love

Well if this love...
I'd rather starve

Rather go hungry &
Die of malnutrition,
Skinny & weak
With a little pot belly

Seems as though
No matter where I go to get food for the heart,
Food for the soul...
It always ends up spoiled &
The place it came from with a low grade

Places need to be closed for business
Until everything is up to par because
While I never received four star meals here,
I refuse to eat where there are none

Thats how I got so sick the last time
Eating that which gave me no sustenance or value,
I got food poisoning that has me out of commission to this very day
I keep trying to eat whats healthy for me
But cant find that which is

Ones swear it's got to be me
...playing the victim...
Well I'm not gonna say what I want to
But I got two fingers for you,
If you catch my drift
You know what that means &
You know what you can do

And just in case you don't
Kick boulders,
Damn some rocks,
With no shoes.

I'm over it
Over this supposed love that
Keeps poisoning my thoughts & heart
I got the antidote though
It's me...and me alone

You can have this plate...
I'm getting up from the table.

*Living To Write...Writing to Live*

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Wrapped in a blanket of darkness
Unable to see that which is around you
Only able to hear  indecipherable noises

That strike fear in your heart and
Doubt in your mind
Comforted by
Ceasing your existence

The thought of
Running through your mental
Screaming, "DO IT!" as it passes by
"But I like living, breathing, experiencing," you proclaim
"Yeah, but this is easier.
"Hardest part is pulling the trigger.
"And pain,"
It chides on again

Frustration hugs you
And tears wash away
Happy thoughts of yesterday
Anger kisses you and
Contempt settles into the arms of dismay

Deja vu of writing, thinking & feeling this once before sinks in
But not the memory of how you stopped this depression
And finally...came to grips and was content with be broken

Friday, May 7, 2010

Another Attempt to Let Go

Its amazing the things you think about while at work...the things, something so simple as dates, calls to mind.  I entered a date today, 6/15/ was a good first...but then doubt overshadowed that and I found myself wondering if while you were away from me, were you sexing her...had you just been intimate with her before you came home and snuck in through the window to surprise me hollering about your birthday.  It was a good night that night...but when it was brought to mind for that brief moment, my heart hurt all over again thinking about the things I knew...and the things I didn't.

Today is May 7th...hadn't even really thought about it until I was going through what the day was in my head, tryna figure out about how much time I had left to pay my phone bill before it was ACTUALLY due...I like to pay stuff ahead of time...but you should've already known that.

If we were still together, today would've marked six years...six years of infidelity, abuse, heated arguments and fights...six years of misery.  You would've had a ring on your finger, an expensive ring, I would've been settling because it was the only thing that made sense at the time to do after being together for so long.

I guess I should thank you for saving me the trouble.......................................
Yea...that thanks is never coming......

No one REALLY TRULY knows just how much I was into you, how I was your moon, revolving around you.  Even with my being unhappy, you were still my were everything that mad it turn.  Yes, some times things were bad and, lord knows, when things were bad, they were THE WORST but the good times were not so few and far between...they happened quite frequently...and the best times...they were my everything...YOU, were my everything.

When you left me, it hurt like hell...I hadn't contemplated suicide since my preteen years but I did those days following your departure...and definitely on those days I allowed you to lead me on...and especially after I found out so many truths.  If it weren't for Jess, I would've gladly pulled the trigger to end the pain, pain I'm still suffering from...had the means to...apparently just not the courage...or maybe I just had enough presence of mind to call her first...or both...*shrugs*...I don't know.  All I know is, after I found out everything...the lies you told, those you cheated on me with...the fact that everything I had known for four plus years wasn't real at all...I could've died a thousand deaths and it still wouldn't have been as painful...and it definitely wouldn't have lasted this long, that's for sure...would've been instant...a thousand times over.

I guess I should've know better...and truthfully speaking, I honestly did...a woman knows...especially a woman like me...but I was in love, stupid for you, dumbstruck for the fantasy realm, and I decided to turn a blind eye, ignore my gut & not invade your privacy to find out...whatever...because when you're looking for something, you always find it.

My relationship with you has affected me a great deal.  Love, for me, translates into pain...the thought of relationships gives me anxiety...commitment is absolutely terrifying.  I attribute my unhappiness within such to, "that's just the way relationships are supposed to be," and I find myself questioning everything said and even more so...untrusting of one's sincerity...of their supposed "love" for me...of their want to be with me, protect me, do for me...not trusting at all...I find myself...terribly guarded.  And even today...I believe in doing for myself...I believe that no one can make me happy but me because no one is capable of keeping their word, of doing what it is they SAY their hearts speak...

Someone said to me once that I needed to find balance because I was a loving person who either gave my all...or gave nothing at all.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell...I don't know how to do anything else.  If I'm giving my all, I am sacrificing my own happiness for my mate...its what I did with you, it's what I continue to do, even now.  It is 100% selfless...while the other is the exact opposite...100% selfish...but it never lasts long.  That constant struggle within my mind, to find some sort of balance which seems to be torturous within itself...a self made prison with floors lined with tears & walls papered with constant irritation of one thing or another.  I sleep in a bed of frustration and look into the mirror to see...inadequacy...and I fear that's how I'll always be...with someone always in the wings waiting for me, hurrying me to get the fuck over it so that things can just be...I don't know.

You know...every time I think I'm finally done with you and this pain you caused, there always seems to be something that brings you back up again and makes my insides ache and my heart scream out in agony, be it dates, music, or whatever.  I've never wasted any of my time or energy on hating someone in all my life...I don't do so even now...I swear on everything I love and hold dear I wish I could hate you because maybe then it would be easier for me to get over this, be easier for me to let go...especially after the email I wrote you the other day...that was supposed to be my closure.  And I sit...writing this same blog all over again...trying my hand at...another attempt to let go...because how can I truly love another...if I don't.

Thought I Might Write You

(Written 9/19/2009...Background to Next Post)

I started this letter once already at 7:05am but my computer went down and I lost everything I wrote.  It's too bad, too because I was on a know our luck with computers.  Why so early? Shit, I don't know.  I didn't sleep last night.  No, it had nothing to do with you being on my mind because really you weren't...not until 7:05...just every now and again insomnia knocks at my door, let's herself in and gets comfortable.  Who am I to kick her out when no matter how much I kick and scream, she won't go anywhere's a waste of my energy.  Sleep usually comes in the morning....if I'm lucky.

This morning, I sat on the couch listening to music and something played on my stereo that reminded me of you and what was...what was...  It wasn't that the song had any particular meaning to our relationship, only that we listened to the album together, it was in the Era of Rabbit and Peoples.  [Peoples...I don't call myself that anymore...I've evolved...and even though you're not "around", I feel like you're "around" enough to know that.  Pisses me off that you still have some sight to see my life although I have none to see yours.  Maybe that's a good thing.]

Reminiscing you know that?  I try not to because all it does is awaken pain in me that I have to continue to push down and bury to go on with my life.  Yet and still I reminisce.  I usually think of the bad because that's more recent, that's what's new, that's what I feel but even if I don't start off on the bad, the good leads to it.  That's fucked up I know but cut me some slack.  You know as well as I do that it's not for played me, period, point, blank.

Sometimes, I wonder if it ever was as hard for you as it was for it is for me.  I wonder if it was hard for you to walk away...then I remember that you walked away into the arms of another while making me believe that we still had a chance to be together.  Am I bitter...Hell Yeah...wouldn't you be...hell, you were bitter over the shit I did in the beginning, you know, the emails.  That shit was no where near as deep as this but it still hurt you and you were bitter and untrusting...[Untrusting...I'll come back to this].  I admit, I fucked up in the beginning, when I was new to this thing...this committed relationship thing...this love thing...this, same sex thing...I do not deny that.  When my worst fear was disappointing my family and I put a deadline on us, hoping to not be as into you as you were into me because I needed a way out.  Do you remember when we discussed that disappointment, that fear, for the first time?  Of course you rang in your ears for years because we talked about asked me if I still worried, if I still cared about that.  That all seems irrelevant now.

It's been one year and ten days since I wrote my last poem for you out of sheer love and desire; one year and five days since I gave up all hope in you ever coming back home; zero days since I've stopped loving you, because if I'm being honest with myself, I still love you...I'm just not in love with you.  I want to hate you, I want to let go.  I mean, you disgust me sure, but only occasionally when I'm at my lowest of lows...and I just can't seem to bring myself to hate you, even after everything you did.  If I saw you on the street today, I wouldn't even be able to be a bitch to you like I am in our encounters we have in my mind.  Why? the ever prevalent answer ever ensues.  I guess that's love for your ass.

I still have our pictures...I can't bring myself to look at them though, although I can't bring myself to delete them either.  Those pictures are my good memories of you, of us, being kids in love with life and freedom as well as each other, seemingly untouchable except by one another.  Together, we were unstoppable.  People envied us, our young love, and they tried to tear us apart but through it all we endured.  In the end, we fell apart due to constant dissension within the ranks and that ultimately led to our downfall, my defenses weakening and you letting her in to eventually leave to move on to the next.

The first time noticed you faltering was not with her...but with no way to prove it and my own misdealings behind me, who was I to point the finger at you...and you made sure to remind me of that every chance you got.  However, I know the truth about you...I know the reasons behind you always being accusatory even before there was anything to accuse me of.  If we were having this conversation over the phone or face to face  you would deny it two hundred ten percent, as you have many times before.  That's why I decided to write a letter, because you can shake your head at the letter all you want but the letter doesn't care about what you's stating its opinion boldly with no room for argument.  So your untrusting nature was way before I fucked up.  It was what it was because you were doing wrong all along.  And me...I trusted you blindly, opened my heart up to you and expressed that I  I would've laid down my life for you if I thought it would save yours and you took advantage.  Well played.

Humph...As I near the end of this letter that you will never read, I wonder, as I often do...was it ever as real to you as it was for me?  The love, the laughs, even the hardships?  If I could've promised you forever from the beginning, would you have been faithful to me?  If I was able to offer you more than my undying love on a platinum platter, would you have stayed?    I just wonder...

You know what hurts the most?  Not that you left, not your infidelity all those years, not even you accusing me of dropping that bomb on you when we both knew better.  What hurts the most is that I'll never know...I'll never know if you ever really wanted me as much as you said you did.  Yes it hurts that nearly five years was lost along with a near engagement [I had the perfect ring picked out for you], a planned family up in smoke and I had to start over with nothing while you had a new life mapped out and waiting for you...but never knowing if I could've saved myself the grief and the time and kept my love for another is what kills me.  Because of you...I shut the door on love, turned the dead bolt, locked the door knob, put on the chain, and barricaded the door shut, looking cautiously through the peep hole waiting for an intruder with a twelve gauge shot gun...and because of me, too...I let you in, I loved you blindly...and was completely ignorant to all that you did.  My ignorance was blissful...I'd give anything to have that back.

You are under my're like that itch that you can't scratch because its not on the surface...and the shit just won't go away.  Why won't you just go away???

One last you remember that day when you came to see me and we talked outside the house and you told me you were really sick?  Remember when you asked me what I would do if you told me you had made a terrible mistake and you wanted to back home?  Do you remember I told you that you had no home here with me anymore, no home to come back to and that your home was now with her?  To see the look in your eyes after I said that hurt SO MUCH!!!  It was the hardest thing I think I EVER had to do in my not come to your not grab you up and hold you and tell you that I missed you so much and all I wanted was for you to come home anyway.  That shit ate me still does.  But I wonder if you said that just to see what I would say...I wonder if you ever really had any plans on leaving her to come back home if I would have said what it was you wanted to hear that night...I wonder.

I know one thing if I know nothing do still think of me occasionally because every now and then I get a call from a random number, and we're still connected to the point that I know it's you when it's you...or I a random IM message, depending on my status...I just don't think you dwell on it like I do...but hey, I guess neither one of us really is supposed me a favor though...and tell that to my heart...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This Is...

This is...
My pathetic attempt to write


Write something that consisted of more than 140 characters
Something that required deeper thought than what the hell I did today,
And am doing at this particular moment

But hell, if I'm being honest
Twitter even seems to be a chore

This is...
Me...begging, crying, pleading

Nothing inspires me
Tired of writing about truths that are mistaken for conspiracies
You blind individuals that will continue believing

...bull crapeth...

Love is such a monotonous topic
Sex, I have run into the ground
And writes surrounding my anger...let's not even discuss it

And here's the thing...

Love isn't really monotonous
I mean, truth be told
I could probably think of a thousand different ways to write about "US"

...But for what...

So can everyone else who writes
Oooo, big deal!

And no one is concerned with my anger & frustration
Not at all interested in my tempers gestation

And sex...well, I really have run that into the ground

I just want to write about something entirely random
Like...why I think the sky is blue
Or why pink people are so damn nasty
Why things aren't as interesting as they used to be
And how all things surrounding negativity are alive & well

Makes no sense rite...write...

This is...
The very first blog on this page...

And this was...
My pathetic attempt to write