Saturday, October 23, 2010

Growing Pains

I'm gonna do my best not to look like a complete and utter fool and let my emotions take over on this one.  I just need to talk for a second...or many.

I'm frustrated...that's it, I'm just frustrated.  I am frustrated with everything, with nothing, with LIFE!  As I sit here and type this, I laugh.  I feel like I'm the punchline to a joke or something and everyone is in on it but me.  Idk.  I mean, Geez.La.Weez.  I swear to Moses, this shit is exhausting.

I'm trying, you know.  I really am.  I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying not to fall into a deep depression, trying not to have this anxiety that rides around in my chest.  Trying to give 110%.  I'm trying to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend...and good to me...and better than I used to be.

It's been said I'm stubborn.  *raises hand* I'll admit that, I am guilty as charged.  But I try not to be.  I try as best I can to be open minded and not so pig headed about thoughts, ideas, suggestions, advice.  I do try.  One thing I know I do to a fault, I will consider your thoughts always...but if I feel strongly about something pertaining to me...yea, ok, I hear you but I ain't listening type of thing.  Yea, I know it's shitty.  I'll give it a once over almost every time you tell me this thought or suggestion but if I feel it, whatever "IT" is, your suggestion becomes illogical to me, no matter how very logical it may be.

Why am I like this? *taps chin then shrugs*  Hell, if I know.  Blame it on the way I was raised, I know I do.  All that, my stubbornness and any other negative quality I've been doing for as long as I can remember.  I was also raised to be somewhat self destructive, too. *blinks* Okay, not somewhat, just self destructive, period.  Go figure.  So at some point I have to ask myself...Self...??? do you know that by your following a feeling, your "GUT" so to speak, this is not just you showing self destructive behavior?  To answer this question, I implore you to open your ears to the commonly used phrase: I.Don't.Know.

Truth of the matter is this:  When I get feelings, gut feelings and I don't go along with them, I kick myself for it because initially that feeling, your first mind, was right.  But that's not to say these feelings don't keep me from making or have me making decisions with my life that can be potentially self destructive.  But I also know that, if I'm admitting to being self destructive, my nature of such usually comes when my back is up against the wall and I'm feeling rushed then I'm dealing with decisions on impulse.  Boy oh boy...never try this at home kids.  Impulse decisions suck.  But I'm sure you know this already.  Maybe not all of them but it's enough of them that you don't wanna do ever.  Where was I going with this...?  Idk.

Anyway...sometimes I wonder if I'm being self destructive or if I am on the right path.  Sometimes I wonder why I even try at all because I seemingly keep reaching defeat.  THAT is beyond frustrating.  I can't stress that enough.  And every time I think I finally got it right, something goes terribly wrong.  And every time I think I'm finally about to get what I deserve, I get these bullshit circumstances.  I mean what the hell? What am I supposed to do because I swear to Moses I have no clue what so ever.

This growing up shit hurts.  I mean do I really need this much negative life experience before it becomes easier?  And what about all the good I thought I was doing.  I mean I can't even begin to count how many times I have placed my own troubles on the back burner to assist with someone else's.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe one of these days I could be fortunate enough to be so selfish that my own issues and burdens will take precedent over everyone else's.  Maybe it's the fact that I try so hard to save everyone else, not asking for anything in return or placing stipulations on one receiving my assistance, with no regard for myself and my life that things go the way they do.  Who knows...I most certainly don't, that's for sure.  But who am I kidding...I've always been like that and I'm always gonna be like that.  As helpful as I can be, doing what I can do when I can do it for whoever is in need, even when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my help is unappreciated.  It's what I do. And I'm good at it.  Or maybe I'm not and it's not me doing good at all but me doing it out of my own selfish gain...naw, that's not it at all, lol.

Seriously though...I just know I'm tired. I'm tired of simply treading water and putting on this strong face and keeping a level head and being everyone's rock and lifeline and swimming to save them and not having that for myself...not being that for myself...not doing that for myself.  Tired of just existing, biding my time waiting...waiting for what, I'm not sure.  Happiness for one thing...all the rest, Idk and I won't know til I know, you know, lol.  

Sheesh...I could sure go for a nice strong cocktail right now. 

~~*Sink or Swim...Swim or Sink*~~

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