(Written June 15, 2010)
You ever wake up deep in thought? That's where I am today. I woke up thinking...the more things change, the more I stay the same...in a sense. I've realized that, while my thought process matures, it by no means has veared off the normal course. In its development, it is and always will be on this path. Even in my changing, it remains logical and rational just as it always has been. It is the heart that usually throws me...the heart that is irrational...and that's ok because one balances the other. The problem is...allowin my heart to lead me and make the decisions in my life which is why it seems plausible when those I allow to get close to me make ME feel crazy or irrational...like Ive completely lost it. *smh*
It's been said in many ways: if you find, while banging your head up against the wall, it begins to hurt, then stop; If your tired of going through the same thing over and over again...then do something different. It's as simply complicated as that. I've stated before that I was tired of banging my head up against the wall because it was starting to hurt...yet...here I am still banging it. My mind has come to this conclusion many times but I keep foolishly listening to my heart. Why do I say that...hm...because as I change for the better, there are constants in my life that I keep allowing to be...just in different forms...THEY are my wall. So I figure...remove the wall...the banging stops...the healing begins. Sounds simple enough...but complicated nonetheless.
Heh, now that's a thought process. *nodding* Now you can read this rant and take this however you want, makes no never mind to me, it just is and matters not...not to anyone but myself. Just needed to "speak it out loud" I guess. Seems to make more sense that way.
*Conscious*
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Random Thought
(Written June 15, 2010)
I feel like I'm supposed to live in a box & conform to rules that are, not only not my own, but, in essence, don't even seem logical & therefore, are not acceptable to me. My thought process is not irrational & is not just mine...it just does not belong to you. What do I mean? I am not the only one that thinks as I do. I know I'm not crazy although sometimes that's how I feel...but I guess that's what happens when u try to cage one who is used to thinking & swimming freely in open waters. I am tired of revolving...no one ever got anywhere by running in circles & that's exactly what I seem to be doing. I cannot fit into your perception of me...& my trying to conform to such will do nothing positive in the long run. I am what I am & what I will be. You either love it...or leave it alone.
I feel like I'm supposed to live in a box & conform to rules that are, not only not my own, but, in essence, don't even seem logical & therefore, are not acceptable to me. My thought process is not irrational & is not just mine...it just does not belong to you. What do I mean? I am not the only one that thinks as I do. I know I'm not crazy although sometimes that's how I feel...but I guess that's what happens when u try to cage one who is used to thinking & swimming freely in open waters. I am tired of revolving...no one ever got anywhere by running in circles & that's exactly what I seem to be doing. I cannot fit into your perception of me...& my trying to conform to such will do nothing positive in the long run. I am what I am & what I will be. You either love it...or leave it alone.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Mathematically Speaking
(Written May 12, 2010)
Love is
One of the keys to happiness & depression
...Simultaneously...
Not really making sense, no Logic
Can't even be broken down Mathematically
It goes on Tangents
Speaking Logarithms & Formulas of,
To Solve for the Variable,
Me...that became we,
One that is now two
Divided by such & the Quotient
Is what I want to be,
Absolute & Totally
Being we,
Makes me
A Negative Integer
Even being placed with you Positively,
The Difference is still
Less Than Zero & I
Am but a Fraction of myself,
Multiplied by a broken heart & troubled mind
The Square Root of my soul is
Unintelligible, a small Decimal
I...just want to be Whole while
Standing alone because
Even Paired together as Binomials
You are not enough to Complete me
You could only be the Cosine to
I'm just trying to find the Right Angle to
Work this Problem out that
Some swear is the Solution to everything
...My Algorithm, if you will...
Want my mind to be Congruent with my heart because
Until such occurs...
There's no way we can be Equals...
Just for the simple fact that,
You don't understand my mental's genetic make
My Biology,
Which is another subject entirely
But to understand how I operate,
You must get that THIS is NOT rocket science
It's Physics, still dealing in Numerics
Which comes full circle to Mathematics
I am Geometrics & Proofs
...But clearly, Math is not one of your strong suits...
If it were
You could see why my Division from the world &
My NOT being Added to you
Is what's needed to
Figure out X, Y, & Z
In this Algebraic Equation that is me
But the only Terms you've come to accept is
I just want to be at Odds with you
Because the End Point of my rational Means
We can't be Coefficient
Leaving the Remainder of us as
You & I becoming Monomials
Never mind the fact that
I've Evaluated the Exponent of my pain &
It's ability to keep resurfacing again
Constant but ever changing...
As I search desperately to find Balance
And reach the Median of
This psyche, my Verse & Inverse
Pi is not me
I am far from Irrational
You just don't want we to, Finite, be
So this is what you accuse me of being
But understand & hear me as I raise my Volume
We can not be Reflections of each other
If I can't follow my mind's Locus
Graphing experience & Dependent Events
Factoring life's processes
While Translating me
Into the original Origin that was
Before I was Bisected &
Back when my Vertex was nonexistent
When I was Supplementary
And inside of, lied the Powers that could & would carry me
Infinitely...
That is...of course...speaking Mathematically
At the moment
You just don't understand
Love is
One of the keys to happiness & depression
...Simultaneously...
Not really making sense, no Logic
Can't even be broken down Mathematically
It goes on Tangents
Speaking Logarithms & Formulas of,
To Solve for the Variable,
Me...that became we,
One that is now two
Divided by such & the Quotient
Is what I want to be,
Absolute & Totally
Being we,
Makes me
A Negative Integer
Even being placed with you Positively,
The Difference is still
Less Than Zero & I
Am but a Fraction of myself,
Multiplied by a broken heart & troubled mind
The Square Root of my soul is
Unintelligible, a small Decimal
I...just want to be Whole while
Standing alone because
Even Paired together as Binomials
You are not enough to Complete me
You could only be the Cosine to
I'm just trying to find the Right Angle to
Work this Problem out that
Some swear is the Solution to everything
...My Algorithm, if you will...
Want my mind to be Congruent with my heart because
Until such occurs...
There's no way we can be Equals...
Just for the simple fact that,
You don't understand my mental's genetic make
My Biology,
Which is another subject entirely
But to understand how I operate,
You must get that THIS is NOT rocket science
It's Physics, still dealing in Numerics
Which comes full circle to Mathematics
I am Geometrics & Proofs
...But clearly, Math is not one of your strong suits...
If it were
You could see why my Division from the world &
My NOT being Added to you
Is what's needed to
Figure out X, Y, & Z
In this Algebraic Equation that is me
But the only Terms you've come to accept is
I just want to be at Odds with you
Because the End Point of my rational Means
We can't be Coefficient
Leaving the Remainder of us as
You & I becoming Monomials
Never mind the fact that
I've Evaluated the Exponent of my pain &
It's ability to keep resurfacing again
Constant but ever changing...
As I search desperately to find Balance
And reach the Median of
This psyche, my Verse & Inverse
Pi is not me
I am far from Irrational
You just don't want we to, Finite, be
So this is what you accuse me of being
But understand & hear me as I raise my Volume
We can not be Reflections of each other
If I can't follow my mind's Locus
Graphing experience & Dependent Events
Factoring life's processes
While Translating me
Into the original Origin that was
Before I was Bisected &
Back when my Vertex was nonexistent
When I was Supplementary
And inside of, lied the Powers that could & would carry me
Infinitely...
That is...of course...speaking Mathematically
At the moment
You just don't understand
Food For Thought
(Written May 12, 2010)
I was riding in silence today
No radio playing
Just the sound of my thoughts
Reverberating in my ears,
My mental regurgitating events that
Were thought to have been digested & passed as waste
...because thats what they were...
A waste of time,
Energy and
Space
Tired of being force fed bull crap &
Being made to believe its a delectable meal
Tired of eating selfishness &
Being told its love
Well if this
...is love...
I'd rather starve
Rather go hungry &
Die of malnutrition,
Skinny & weak
With a little pot belly
Seems as though
No matter where I go to get food
...food for the heart,
Food for the soul...
It always ends up spoiled &
The place it came from with a low grade
Places need to be closed for business
Until everything is up to par because
While I never received four star meals here,
I refuse to eat where there are none
Thats how I got so sick the last time
Eating that which gave me no sustenance or value,
I got food poisoning that has me out of commission to this very day
I keep trying to eat whats healthy for me
But cant find that which is
Ones swear it's got to be me
...playing the victim...
Well I'm not gonna say what I want to
But I got two fingers for you,
If you catch my drift
You know what that means &
You know what you can do
And just in case you don't
Kick boulders,
Damn some rocks,
With no shoes.
I'm over it
Over this supposed love that
Keeps poisoning my thoughts & heart
I got the antidote though
It's me...and me alone
You can have this plate...
I'm getting up from the table.
*Living To Write...Writing to Live*
I was riding in silence today
No radio playing
Just the sound of my thoughts
Reverberating in my ears,
My mental regurgitating events that
Were thought to have been digested & passed as waste
...because thats what they were...
A waste of time,
Energy and
Space
Tired of being force fed bull crap &
Being made to believe its a delectable meal
Tired of eating selfishness &
Being told its love
Well if this
...is love...
I'd rather starve
Rather go hungry &
Die of malnutrition,
Skinny & weak
With a little pot belly
Seems as though
No matter where I go to get food
...food for the heart,
Food for the soul...
It always ends up spoiled &
The place it came from with a low grade
Places need to be closed for business
Until everything is up to par because
While I never received four star meals here,
I refuse to eat where there are none
Thats how I got so sick the last time
Eating that which gave me no sustenance or value,
I got food poisoning that has me out of commission to this very day
I keep trying to eat whats healthy for me
But cant find that which is
Ones swear it's got to be me
...playing the victim...
Well I'm not gonna say what I want to
But I got two fingers for you,
If you catch my drift
You know what that means &
You know what you can do
And just in case you don't
Kick boulders,
Damn some rocks,
With no shoes.
I'm over it
Over this supposed love that
Keeps poisoning my thoughts & heart
I got the antidote though
It's me...and me alone
You can have this plate...
I'm getting up from the table.
*Living To Write...Writing to Live*
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Depression
Wrapped in a blanket of darkness
Unable to see that which is around you
Only able to hear indecipherable noises
That strike fear in your heart and
Doubt in your mind
Comforted by
Ceasing your existence
Suicide
The thought of
Running through your mental
Screaming, "DO IT!" as it passes by
"But I like living, breathing, experiencing," you proclaim
"Yeah, but this is easier.
"Hardest part is pulling the trigger.
"And instantly...no pain,"
It chides on again
Frustration hugs you
And tears wash away
Happy thoughts of yesterday
Anger kisses you and
Contempt settles into the arms of dismay
Deja vu of writing, thinking & feeling this once before sinks in
But not the memory of how you stopped this depression
And finally...came to grips and was content with be broken
Unable to see that which is around you
Only able to hear indecipherable noises
That strike fear in your heart and
Doubt in your mind
Comforted by
Ceasing your existence
Suicide
The thought of
Running through your mental
Screaming, "DO IT!" as it passes by
"But I like living, breathing, experiencing," you proclaim
"Yeah, but this is easier.
"Hardest part is pulling the trigger.
"And instantly...no pain,"
It chides on again
Frustration hugs you
And tears wash away
Happy thoughts of yesterday
Anger kisses you and
Contempt settles into the arms of dismay
Deja vu of writing, thinking & feeling this once before sinks in
But not the memory of how you stopped this depression
And finally...came to grips and was content with be broken
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