Dear Jehovah...

I'm not sure how to approach You because...I realize that I am well over due for a conversation with You.  Even as I write this, I wonder if I am still in Your favor and if You will even hear me, let alone listen.  I know everyone doesn't have Your ear, I hope I am not in that bunch.

I feel weird because I chose today to approach You and converse with You...not that today is any particularly special day, it's just that yesterday I was bawling my eyes out and that was when I thought to speak with You.  For that I am ashamed because too many times, so many people only speak to You when they need You, never just to say hello or thank you or whatever other casual conversation one can have with The Almighty.  But Jah, I know not what else to do...I am at a loss.

Lately, I feel very much overwhelmed and quite honestly...I'm scared.  I'm scared that I haven't the strength to push forward any longer.  I'm scared I haven't the courage or the drive.  I'm scared I may be on the verge of giving up but I am also scared of failure.  Most of all...I am scared of Death and that haunts my dreams and thoughts regularly.  I am scared because I feel like I am rapidly approaching my end.  I'm not sure why I feel like this but I do.  Maybe because I'm supposed to be doing something else other than what I'm doing.  Maybe because I sense a coming, THE coming.  Maybe because I fear that I no longer have a place in Your heart.  It's probably, all of the above.

I don't know where I'm headed anymore, where I should be going.  I have no idea what my purpose is and quite frankly Father, I'm not even sure that I have one.  I know that we hold the keys to our own destinies, nothing is pre-written in our lives.  We walk and create our own paths.  I'm just not sure what I want my destiny to be, not sure what path I'm supposed to be on, what to believe or who to believe in.  I'm not even sure I can believe in myself anymore.  I feel so...useless...to myself.  And if I am useless to myself, then how can I expect to continue to be useful to others.  I mean, You blessed me with this charisma and this magnetism and this gift to pick up others and save them...I'm good at it...but I'm no good at doing the same for myself every time it's needed.  I'm not even sure I know how.  Plus, I'm tired, Jehovah...I'm really, REALLY tired.

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to approach the rest of my life, however long "the rest" may be?  I don't know...I just don't.  I know that I just want to sit and wait sometimes to see what happens but I know that waiting will get me nowhere except stagnate and stationary.  I feel like I must keep doing but again...do what?  Because while good things come to those who wait, You don't help those who do not help themselves, You look after them but opportunity only knocks for those who work towards it right?  So what am I supposed to be working on?  What am I supposed to be doing?  What is my purpose?  I have so many questions...but maybe I will start with these....

Dear Jehovah...if You could be so kind to point me in the right direction, I would truly appreciate it.  I need to find my strength again, my courage, my drive...would You help me on my way, for I am at a GREAT loss right now.  To have fear is one thing but to allow it to hold me and keep me simply does not sit well with me because if I know nothing else, I know that I was not meant to sit still and be paralyzed by fear.  I know and have never doubted that You have kept me safe to a degree.  A lot of what I have suffered is due to my trying to direct my own foot steps, making stupid, hasty decisions and not looking to You for answers.  (I feel like in my saying this, I'm trying to sweet talk and swindle You but this is truly how I feel.)  There are many things that I want and need in order for life to be a little more comfortable for me...so that I am not stressed as I am right now.  But what I need most at this very moment, is an overwhelming settling...Peace...of my heart, mind and spirit.  Peace...strength....courage...and most of all, guidance because I just simply don't know anything anymore.

Please, Dear Jah...I need Your help and Your love....I need You to carry me through this because I'm not capable of carrying myself at the moment.  Please...I am begging You.  I hope that You hear me as I come to You as humbly as I know how...

In Your son's name I pray....
Amen

Oh and P.S. Father...Never mind...I'm sure You hear my panicky thoughts.  Til next time....

September 11th

As I sit and write this, I am debating with myself on if I should even post it.  I have so many thoughts concerning the entire topic and none of them coincide with people's everyday beliefs that this cat over in Afghanistan, or wherever the hell he may be at the moment (probably eating at the table with Bush), did all this...coordinated an elaborate plan to hijack planes and take down several buildings all over the country while this country's defense systems simultaneously FAILED because they just so HAPPENED to be running exercises of this EXACT nature and couldn't tell the real from the drills.  All very coincidental.

Conspiracy theorist???  Not by far, I'm interested in truth.  I am interested in justice for family and friends now lost.  Five thousand people...gone.  This is how much your government loves you and cares...they'll KILL you to invoke a war that costs YOU billions of dollars and puts plenty of greenbacks in their own pockets and helps them to exact revenge on someone that started a fight a long time ago with someone else.  This someone (Saddam Hussein) had no real beef  but, fueled by thirst for power, control and "gettin yer ass back for daddy" and we're at war with Iraq.  [-_-] Wait a minute...how the hell?  Where they do THAT at!  Right here in good ol' U.S. of  A.  (Isn't it funny how they found Saddam in a damn hole but can't find Bin Laden???  That in itself should've raised thousands of questions for you.)

Bush did nothing...excuse me...yes he did...he went on vacation, just like he did during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  But no one was outraged then.  Seats change, he's out of office and now folks want to place blame, point fingers and shout unintelligible things and obscenities toward the wrong one...so judgmental...and what's funnier is the one's that helped to cover it up...CIA, FBI, etc...no one says anything about the tapes destroyed of that day, the communications gone, just erased from record  They even told your asses through the media, WE PLAYED YOU AND GOT RID OF THE EVIDENCE OF SUCH and still you point fingers at everyone else but the damn culprits.

Oklahoma City Bombing...was a set up, a controlled demolition.  September 11th was no different.  The people on the streets at ground zero gave the media clues to such as they were trying to evacuate the area reporting several little explosions on consecutive floors AFTER the plane hit ABOVE them.  By the way, flight 93...touched down at a military base.  There are satellite images showing people being let off of that plane by the boat loads before it went back up into the air and supposedly crashed in the middle of a got damn field.  And you know what else...they were all able to make phone calls on their cell phones while thirty some thousand feet in the air...have you tried that since then?  I got a global phone and I still can't make phone calls in the air...I can't even send text messages.  I'm just saying.

September 11th is one of the biggest tragedies as well as government farces of this country.  It pains me that we are so expendable.  Kill by the thousands to obtain the one.  Incite fear, the people will back you with WHATEVER decision is made.  Families and friends still mourn and still there is no justice.  A monumental building was supposed to be erected in honor of those lost but still the ground goes unbroken.  Those lost have been forgotten by the very ones that are supposed to seek repentance of such atrocities as this was.  Even you, the people, have forgotten and go about your lives as though this never occurred.  It only matters when making comparisons to this or that tragedy or when trying to express complete and utter outrage for everything else...this just kind falls into the pile.

America is a joke...this government is a joke...this society is a joke.  Don't believe me?  I know, that's why I'm laughing at you.

A Shame It Is...

After review of my last few entries...I've noticed that I'm a bit depressing...at least when it comes to the issue of "Love".  Lol...it's really quite comical the emotions that come through when I'm frustrated...the tone...the attitude...the depressing ass statements. *smh*  I mean it's not comical at the time but it most certainly is right now...and it's just a damn shame.

You know...while "Love" does frustrate me, my bout with it is not always one of defeat.  "Love" has produced extraordinary times for me that I wouldn't trade for the world.  It gives nothing different from what it gives everyone else, good and bad. 

Nothing is ever easy, "Love" included.  So while any and everything I write is the truest form of me and I mean everything written, especially at the time I wrote it...please disregard as emotional banter because it's not just "Love" that gets me but its accomplice "Life" that has me so overwhelmed and produces such emotion concerning "Love" when I desperately need comfort and am not receiving.  These entries are me throwing toddler like fits and having emotional & mental temper tantrums.

So, please excuse me...*smdh* A damn shame it is...quite comical but a shame nonetheless.



~Tickled With Self~

Another Love Entry

I'm no good at expressing myself...expressing feelings...it's why I write...because for some reason, writing gives me the freedom to speak what I'm feeling no holds barred.  I'm not worried about who will read it, not worried about whose feelings will be hurt because my writing has nothing to do with anyone and everything to do with me...my therapy...my emotions...my feelings...my peace of mind and trying to obtain it.

I don't really blog...I mean I used to a lot but I don't now.  I do journal entries.  Even the name of this blog has everything to do with it being an extension of my journal.  Onyx...who I have sitting open in front of me right now...I started an entry in her yesterday but couldn't finish it.  I was on the phone and couldn't see past my tears.  This is something different...sort of.

Love...

Seems like I'm always writing about Love.  I don't know what to make of it.  Seems like there's always so much sacrificing for it...and for some reason I always feel like I end up with the short end of the stick.  I love Love...but Love doesn't love me.  That is my conclusion...I've never cried so much in my life as I do when Love is involved.  Love has this funny way of kicking my ass and then kicking me when I'm down, no matter what I do...I give up this, stop doing that, suppress that and do all this...and yet, Love just keeps spitting in my face, which flipping sucks because if I'm being honest, I really do want this...I'm just tired of what it seems to be costing me.  I know this will be read and the question will be asked, "What is it costing you?" or "You don't think I've sacrificed, that this is costing me as well?"  *shrugs*  Whatever...this is about me...and maybe this shit is all in my head, idk...lord knows the idea has been presented to me once or twice...or a billion times...before.  Maybe it is...guess I'll never really truly know the answer to that.

While having a separate phone conversation from the one that had me crying while writing in Onyx, I expressed that I sometimes wished that I never met my ex, "Gem" because if it weren't for her, I would be able to love blindly, ignore the negative because all I was concerned with would be pure unadulterated happiness. <<< Paraphrased >>> I'm the type that will respect your privacy, whether I have a feeling or not because once you go looking for something, you always find it.  Once found, trust dwindles and it makes it damn near impossible for happiness to ensue.  "Gem" was my first love...pure love...unadulterated happiness because I chose to ignore my gut and give her the benefit of the doubt...and even with the fights and arguments we had, my doing that filled that relationship with happiness and good times that I wouldn't trade for the world.  But it also got me a world of hurt in the end.  It's because of this...that blindness I loved her with and the hurt and astronomical pain experienced behind it that I will never love blindly ever again.  One will never receive the benefit of the doubt from me again because, as this was once stated to me, doubt has no benefit.

What frustrated me during this conversation is that this was not met with understanding...it was met with,

"You're not the only one who has experienced pain, not the only who has put up with shit and put up with shit just for the sake of love.  You're not the only one who has loved blindly.  I've done that shit time and time again...so I don't wanna hear shit about, "Gem".

Imagine my frustration in hearing that...because in all honesty...I really don't give two fifths of a flying fuck who experienced what and if I'm the only one or not.  I'm me...and I only know what I've experienced and how it affected me and the way I feel about things.  I don't give a shit about anyone else because I'm not them and everyone handles things differently, everyone experiences things differently...and I was head over heals, write our names in the sky, pages and pages of poetry dedicated to you, tattoo your name on my ass in love with this girl...young love...first love...the type you only experience once love...I saw a future with her which is more than I can say for most...I saw us having children and living a life of forever and a day happiness with the necessary rough times.  I saw everything that mattered...with her...I cut people off...for her...feuded with family...for her...because I loved her...was in love with her, truly and unconditionally, no matter what we endured or what I endured because of her.  So fuck me for being pissed off that I was not heard and what was heard instead was...I'm making one pay for another's mistakes...I guess...but what I said was totally missed because one thinks they know what I felt and what I'm feeling...right?  Idk...

I know I'm frustrated as all hell...and you know what....fuck it....I don't want to write about this anymore...tired of shedding tears because I seek understanding of everyone and no one seems to seek the same of me.  I'll just continue to suppress things...parts of me, parts of emotions, parts of thoughts...who the heck cares...no one's gonna flipping get it anyway.  Just seems easier that way...that way, no one gets hurt or angry or frustrated but me...and no one will be the wiser, that is, until I freaking implode. FTW & FML

~An Abstraction Trying To Be Understood~

Fish Oil

I am your drug
Place me on the tip of your tongue
And taste the purity of my essence
100% grade A shit
Guaranteed to stimulate your mind
And get your mood stabilized
Intoxicating sobriety

I am your addiction
Seeping through the skin of your fingertips
Infecting your blood stream
Feel Me
As I digest your T cells
Become apart of you
And fight in your honor, the sickness of reality

Ingest me
I was made for you
I erase the dry ass fallacies of life
And provide you with healthy notions
Equip you with cancer fighting agents
And force your heart valves open
Lowering your blood pressure

There is some risk involved
But there always is when it comes to love affairs
Those had between the drug and the addict
Difference in this though, there's no overdosing
No clouds of smoke fogging your mental
No dipsomania and the crapulence as a result
And best of all, no instability caused by shakes of withdrawals

Overall...I am good for you

Take me in small doses
Allow me to ease your mind
Silence your inner haints
Shoe away dementia
And hold on to your consciousness
While placing myself on your lips
Creating, & never letting go of, new memories

And if you decide the dosage should be greater
Increase your intake of me
And I will ride the streams in your veins to your heart
Pumping me through and through, always returning here
This will be my resting place
Until you are laid to rest in your final place
Cause of death being: Stroked Out On Me

Fish Oil