A Bottle, A Blunt & A Bullet

Bought a bottle of liquor
With the intent to turn it up til it was empty
Was going to make that bottle mimic the inside of me
Going to...turn it up til it was null & void
Because I needed to be numb for this

Searching for the bottom with each drink
Because I had hit rock bottom
Draining it of its liquid that would give me strength
Because my strength had been drained
Leaving nothing behind
Because behind I was left

I looked in the bottom of that bottle for answers
Answers to the questions the world provided
But was only greeted with clear fluidic realization
There are no answers to be had

So I just drowned my troubles in waves of vodka
Barely keeping my head above the surface
Not fighting to float or even caring to tread, instead
I scribbled a ransom note with my incapable hands
Stating my list of demands...

From life...
The trade off...
MY life

Rolled up a stogy
So I could smoke & remember the old me
And what it was like to fly again
...I missed flying...
Missed that untouchable feeling
That feel that even when civilization collapsed all around you
Soaring so high, seemed there was no way YOUR life would come to ruin

I...let my affected judgment effect me
Allowed it to lead
Even though it was compromised
By this liquor & this weed
I picked up a bullet & my gun
Feeling the coldness of the steel in my hands
Just as cold as reality was towards me

Looking...
I'm not ready yet
Set it down

If I'm not ready now
Nothing to do but to continue to drown
While simultaneously flying
No one knows my troubles
My own mother couldn't even recognize I was dying
And now dead

A troubled inner child
And a guarded adult
Fort Knox didn't even compare
When it came to my locking down the way I felt
But now I'm as open as a hookers legs
Figured since I'm going out,
I'd expose my soul
Like an exhibitionist publicly exposes their genitals

This is my final letter to you
To Whom It May Concern
I hope you can understand what I was going through
In this world alone
With no place to call home
Mother doesn't love me
Grew up on my own
Steadily asking this question
Where did I go wrong?

You don't understand me?
It's cool, no one does
I guess I have no one to blame but me
For always priding myself on being an enigma
That algebraic equation filled with too many variables to solve for

I.Am.Tired

Tired of fighting against the currents
And being pounded by these waves
Tired of climbing these mountains
Never getting any closer to its peaks
Tired of breathing & pushing forward
For it has become such a chore
Tired of just existing
When the world seems to want nothing but for me to cease

I can think of no other reason I keep being tested
Never to prevail
Only made to continue to endure
Well...I can't do this anymore

I'm done...

Picked up that bullet
With my blunt between my lips
Loaded up my gun
Took one last sip
Placed that barrel to my temple
Slowly pulling the trigger

*Click, click*


~Living To Write...Writing to Live~