Growing Pains

I'm gonna do my best not to look like a complete and utter fool and let my emotions take over on this one.  I just need to talk for a second...or many.

I'm frustrated...that's it, I'm just frustrated.  I am frustrated with everything, with nothing, with LIFE!  As I sit here and type this, I laugh.  I feel like I'm the punchline to a joke or something and everyone is in on it but me.  Idk.  I mean, Geez.La.Weez.  I swear to Moses, this shit is exhausting.

I'm trying, you know.  I really am.  I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying not to fall into a deep depression, trying not to have this anxiety that rides around in my chest.  Trying to give 110%.  I'm trying to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend...and good to me...and better than I used to be.

It's been said I'm stubborn.  *raises hand* I'll admit that, I am guilty as charged.  But I try not to be.  I try as best I can to be open minded and not so pig headed about thoughts, ideas, suggestions, advice.  I do try.  One thing I know I do to a fault, I will consider your thoughts always...but if I feel strongly about something pertaining to me...yea, ok, I hear you but I ain't listening type of thing.  Yea, I know it's shitty.  I'll give it a once over almost every time you tell me this thought or suggestion but if I feel it, whatever "IT" is, your suggestion becomes illogical to me, no matter how very logical it may be.

Why am I like this? *taps chin then shrugs*  Hell, if I know.  Blame it on the way I was raised, I know I do.  All that, my stubbornness and any other negative quality I've been doing for as long as I can remember.  I was also raised to be somewhat self destructive, too. *blinks* Okay, not somewhat, just self destructive, period.  Go figure.  So at some point I have to ask myself...Self...???...how do you know that by your following a feeling, your "GUT" so to speak, this is not just you showing self destructive behavior?  To answer this question, I implore you to open your ears to the commonly used phrase: I.Don't.Know.

Truth of the matter is this:  When I get feelings, gut feelings and I don't go along with them, I kick myself for it because initially that feeling, your first mind, was right.  But that's not to say these feelings don't keep me from making or have me making decisions with my life that can be potentially self destructive.  But I also know that, if I'm admitting to being self destructive, my nature of such usually comes when my back is up against the wall and I'm feeling rushed then I'm dealing with decisions on impulse.  Boy oh boy...never try this at home kids.  Impulse decisions suck.  But I'm sure you know this already.  Maybe not all of them but it's enough of them that you don't wanna do that...like ever.  Where was I going with this...?  Idk.

Anyway...sometimes I wonder if I'm being self destructive or if I am on the right path.  Sometimes I wonder why I even try at all because I seemingly keep reaching defeat.  THAT is beyond frustrating.  I can't stress that enough.  And every time I think I finally got it right, something goes terribly wrong.  And every time I think I'm finally about to get what I deserve, I get these bullshit circumstances.  I mean what the hell? What am I supposed to do because I swear to Moses I have no clue what so ever.

This growing up shit hurts.  I mean do I really need this much negative life experience before it becomes easier?  And what about all the good I thought I was doing.  I mean I can't even begin to count how many times I have placed my own troubles on the back burner to assist with someone else's.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe one of these days I could be fortunate enough to be so selfish that my own issues and burdens will take precedent over everyone else's.  Maybe it's the fact that I try so hard to save everyone else, not asking for anything in return or placing stipulations on one receiving my assistance, with no regard for myself and my life that things go the way they do.  Who knows...I most certainly don't, that's for sure.  But who am I kidding...I've always been like that and I'm always gonna be like that.  As helpful as I can be, doing what I can do when I can do it for whoever is in need, even when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my help is unappreciated.  It's what I do. And I'm good at it.  Or maybe I'm not and it's not me doing good at all but me doing it out of my own selfish gain...naw, that's not it at all, lol.

Seriously though...I just know I'm tired. I'm tired of simply treading water and putting on this strong face and keeping a level head and being everyone's rock and lifeline and swimming to save them and not having that for myself...not being that for myself...not doing that for myself.  Tired of just existing, biding my time waiting...waiting for what, I'm not sure.  Happiness for one thing...all the rest, Idk and I won't know til I know, you know, lol.  

Sheesh...I could sure go for a nice strong cocktail right now. 

~~*Sink or Swim...Swim or Sink*~~

A Conversation With God

Hey, Jehovah. How are You?  I wish I knew...or maybe I don't.  Or maybe I do but if You were to reveal it to me, I'd probably wish You hadn't...right?  Idk, lol.

As you know, I've been all over the place lately.  Stress through the roof...okay, so maybe not through the roof but the level is definitely high.  I'm just trying to be patient, You know.  Being patient when it comes to my livelihood is not really something I'm good at but then I don't have much of a choice.  Being still...Doing nothing...I feel like I'm doing nothing more so than I feel like I'm being still.  It's frustrating, just waiting.  You know what it is I want right?  I know You're all knowing, I was just wondering if I needed to speak it aloud.  I'll do that privately.  While I feel very much comfortable speaking to You out in the open now, some things are still just between me and You.

Talking to You in the open...remember when I struggled with that?  It wasn't that long ago, so I'm sure You do.  I used to have a hard time simply stating Your name aloud in front of different crowds.  But my being able to speak to You freely in such way with this new found courage makes me proud.  I'd rather it be this way.  I think I owe You this much in the very least...I mean I owe more but lets face it, I could never repay You for everything You are to and for me.  So, I'll just simply share my conversations with You with everyone and no one...who ever keeps track of this here blog.

I'm happy to say that lately, my mood has been better although my worry is pretty much the same if not more.  I'm still scared because I have no idea where I'm headed.  Where things seemed so clear to me before, they are now quite blurry.  Plus, I want to make sure I'm headed in the direction I'm supposed to be headed in...I kinda need Your help with that, a little guidance here and there to let me know You approve and this is right, if You don't mind.  I know You're a busy man, so I'll do my best not to utilize all Your time (an impossible feat considering You are infinite in all things) =).

You know, I didn't really have any specific reason for writing this...just to say hey I suppose.  But since I'm writing it I do want to say, I appreciate everything.  You have set my spirit at ease and have made it easy for me to approach You once again.  Yes, life is still hectic and I still need Your foot to connect with my backside every now and again to kick me back into gear and keep me on track and all that good stuff.  Yes, I'm asking if You would...it's needed.  But I know that if I continue to have faith and trust that powers that be, (You), things will work out...at least I'm hoping.  You may have something else in store for me, who knows but You.  I just know that, I want what I want and I want what's right for me, as well as what is meant for me...what I deserve.  Do I deserve nothing? I sure hope not but You would be the judge of that.

So...yea...that job?  You know the one...can You tell them to get a move on it! That's the one I want.  It's perfect for me (I was gonna wait to ask You about this but what for when I'm talking to You now).  Good schedule, good workout, decent enough money for me to get by and I would still be able to take my trip.  I'd say its a win for me all around.  If you could show me what it is I need to be doing so I can get that...like if I need to just continue to be still or if I need to harass some folk or something...yea...I'd appreciate that, lol.  That's the one I want.  Can You make it happen for me?  Thanks...

Uh...I think that's all I got.  Um, thank you...for listening...and thank you for everything again, You know, the calming of the spirit, the easing (for the most part) of my mind and just...just everything.  You are awesome to say the least. =)

It's been real.  And in your son's name I pray...
~~~*AMEN*~~~

Spiritual Contemplation

Have you ever sat down and actually looked at your life and questioned if this was where you were supposed to be?  Or if this is what you were supposed to be doing?  Have you ever prayed and wondered if God heard you or if the one answering your prayers is the one who torments you daily?  Does death terrify you?  Have you ever even stopped to ponder how what you're doing now effects your judgment later?

I have...everyday...especially lately.

I hope, constantly that Jah has not turned from me.  I feel very much protected, I have for many years but now I question if that protection I've felt over time is coming from the source I want it to come from as opposed to the opposite.  Maybe I should feel comforted by the fact that I'm having such a spiritual struggle...just by me going through this I can say that my conscience is still very much in tact and my heart has not hardened towards Jah...I just really pray that His heart has not hardened towards me either.

I thought I had more to say...but I'm so lost and my thoughts so jumbled...that I think I'll stop here for now.  I have something else I'm working on anyway...and maybe that will help put things in a better perspective.  Or maybe it won't...maybe it's just something that needs to be written because I've been hiding for so long...idk...I just know I need to finish it...and I will.  So until then...


~Sitting In The Sand...Waiting For Him To Carry Me If He Can~

Dear Jehovah...

I'm not sure how to approach You because...I realize that I am well over due for a conversation with You.  Even as I write this, I wonder if I am still in Your favor and if You will even hear me, let alone listen.  I know everyone doesn't have Your ear, I hope I am not in that bunch.

I feel weird because I chose today to approach You and converse with You...not that today is any particularly special day, it's just that yesterday I was bawling my eyes out and that was when I thought to speak with You.  For that I am ashamed because too many times, so many people only speak to You when they need You, never just to say hello or thank you or whatever other casual conversation one can have with The Almighty.  But Jah, I know not what else to do...I am at a loss.

Lately, I feel very much overwhelmed and quite honestly...I'm scared.  I'm scared that I haven't the strength to push forward any longer.  I'm scared I haven't the courage or the drive.  I'm scared I may be on the verge of giving up but I am also scared of failure.  Most of all...I am scared of Death and that haunts my dreams and thoughts regularly.  I am scared because I feel like I am rapidly approaching my end.  I'm not sure why I feel like this but I do.  Maybe because I'm supposed to be doing something else other than what I'm doing.  Maybe because I sense a coming, THE coming.  Maybe because I fear that I no longer have a place in Your heart.  It's probably, all of the above.

I don't know where I'm headed anymore, where I should be going.  I have no idea what my purpose is and quite frankly Father, I'm not even sure that I have one.  I know that we hold the keys to our own destinies, nothing is pre-written in our lives.  We walk and create our own paths.  I'm just not sure what I want my destiny to be, not sure what path I'm supposed to be on, what to believe or who to believe in.  I'm not even sure I can believe in myself anymore.  I feel so...useless...to myself.  And if I am useless to myself, then how can I expect to continue to be useful to others.  I mean, You blessed me with this charisma and this magnetism and this gift to pick up others and save them...I'm good at it...but I'm no good at doing the same for myself every time it's needed.  I'm not even sure I know how.  Plus, I'm tired, Jehovah...I'm really, REALLY tired.

What am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to approach the rest of my life, however long "the rest" may be?  I don't know...I just don't.  I know that I just want to sit and wait sometimes to see what happens but I know that waiting will get me nowhere except stagnate and stationary.  I feel like I must keep doing but again...do what?  Because while good things come to those who wait, You don't help those who do not help themselves, You look after them but opportunity only knocks for those who work towards it right?  So what am I supposed to be working on?  What am I supposed to be doing?  What is my purpose?  I have so many questions...but maybe I will start with these....

Dear Jehovah...if You could be so kind to point me in the right direction, I would truly appreciate it.  I need to find my strength again, my courage, my drive...would You help me on my way, for I am at a GREAT loss right now.  To have fear is one thing but to allow it to hold me and keep me simply does not sit well with me because if I know nothing else, I know that I was not meant to sit still and be paralyzed by fear.  I know and have never doubted that You have kept me safe to a degree.  A lot of what I have suffered is due to my trying to direct my own foot steps, making stupid, hasty decisions and not looking to You for answers.  (I feel like in my saying this, I'm trying to sweet talk and swindle You but this is truly how I feel.)  There are many things that I want and need in order for life to be a little more comfortable for me...so that I am not stressed as I am right now.  But what I need most at this very moment, is an overwhelming settling...Peace...of my heart, mind and spirit.  Peace...strength....courage...and most of all, guidance because I just simply don't know anything anymore.

Please, Dear Jah...I need Your help and Your love....I need You to carry me through this because I'm not capable of carrying myself at the moment.  Please...I am begging You.  I hope that You hear me as I come to You as humbly as I know how...

In Your son's name I pray....
Amen

Oh and P.S. Father...Never mind...I'm sure You hear my panicky thoughts.  Til next time....

September 11th

As I sit and write this, I am debating with myself on if I should even post it.  I have so many thoughts concerning the entire topic and none of them coincide with people's everyday beliefs that this cat over in Afghanistan, or wherever the hell he may be at the moment (probably eating at the table with Bush), did all this...coordinated an elaborate plan to hijack planes and take down several buildings all over the country while this country's defense systems simultaneously FAILED because they just so HAPPENED to be running exercises of this EXACT nature and couldn't tell the real from the drills.  All very coincidental.

Conspiracy theorist???  Not by far, I'm interested in truth.  I am interested in justice for family and friends now lost.  Five thousand people...gone.  This is how much your government loves you and cares...they'll KILL you to invoke a war that costs YOU billions of dollars and puts plenty of greenbacks in their own pockets and helps them to exact revenge on someone that started a fight a long time ago with someone else.  This someone (Saddam Hussein) had no real beef  but, fueled by thirst for power, control and "gettin yer ass back for daddy" and we're at war with Iraq.  [-_-] Wait a minute...how the hell?  Where they do THAT at!  Right here in good ol' U.S. of  A.  (Isn't it funny how they found Saddam in a damn hole but can't find Bin Laden???  That in itself should've raised thousands of questions for you.)

Bush did nothing...excuse me...yes he did...he went on vacation, just like he did during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  But no one was outraged then.  Seats change, he's out of office and now folks want to place blame, point fingers and shout unintelligible things and obscenities toward the wrong one...so judgmental...and what's funnier is the one's that helped to cover it up...CIA, FBI, etc...no one says anything about the tapes destroyed of that day, the communications gone, just erased from record  They even told your asses through the media, WE PLAYED YOU AND GOT RID OF THE EVIDENCE OF SUCH and still you point fingers at everyone else but the damn culprits.

Oklahoma City Bombing...was a set up, a controlled demolition.  September 11th was no different.  The people on the streets at ground zero gave the media clues to such as they were trying to evacuate the area reporting several little explosions on consecutive floors AFTER the plane hit ABOVE them.  By the way, flight 93...touched down at a military base.  There are satellite images showing people being let off of that plane by the boat loads before it went back up into the air and supposedly crashed in the middle of a got damn field.  And you know what else...they were all able to make phone calls on their cell phones while thirty some thousand feet in the air...have you tried that since then?  I got a global phone and I still can't make phone calls in the air...I can't even send text messages.  I'm just saying.

September 11th is one of the biggest tragedies as well as government farces of this country.  It pains me that we are so expendable.  Kill by the thousands to obtain the one.  Incite fear, the people will back you with WHATEVER decision is made.  Families and friends still mourn and still there is no justice.  A monumental building was supposed to be erected in honor of those lost but still the ground goes unbroken.  Those lost have been forgotten by the very ones that are supposed to seek repentance of such atrocities as this was.  Even you, the people, have forgotten and go about your lives as though this never occurred.  It only matters when making comparisons to this or that tragedy or when trying to express complete and utter outrage for everything else...this just kind falls into the pile.

America is a joke...this government is a joke...this society is a joke.  Don't believe me?  I know, that's why I'm laughing at you.